books!

I realized this week that I miss reading. As a seminary student, I have my fair share of reading, don't get me wrong. And like a true dork, I enjoy theological reading (though not all of my textbooks this semester engage me...)

However, I have realized that as an English major, I was spoiled by my continual immersion into literature. Yes, it was work to read and analyze and write about all those books. But man, I read some good stuff. And I've been missing it, to the point where when I'm really bored I resort to reading fan fic online for various things (which is an interesting cultural study, but not exactly what you would call great writing). So I dug out the old library card, put a few books on hold, and early next week will be able to work through some fictional books again. Inspired by a good friend, I have compiled a list of books and authors that I want to pursue, though my rate of reading will vary depending on my work load.

I am a true English nerd. ;o)

In other news...I have a confession to make.

I watched Grey's Anatomy with a bunch of girls on Thursday. And maybe kinda sorta liked the show. Yeah, that's not like me, is it?! Watching something popular, especially something that girly and soap opera-ish. But I definitely liked the social aspect and the opportunity to get to know them more (apparently they get together every week). So, yay for that! Stay tuned for whether I become addicted to the show...

hope

The joy of my day yesterday came in the form of a six-year-old named Dylan. We had quite the conversation before our opening SS time. Then, when I walked into his class to help out, he shouted, "Energetic Erin!" (remnant from the name game a few weeks ago at children's church) He was completely wired! About 15 minutes later, he proceeded to lose a (very loose) tooth after purposely hitting himself in the face, all with dramatic flair. The teacher and I couldn't help but laugh at his shenanigans.

It's the naughty ones that always steal my heart :o)

I've noticed that the children's minister that I'm helping has made some changes in his approaches in working with the kids and working with me. I've made a few comments about the lack of respect the kids have been showing, and he's taken a firmer stance with them if they get out of hand. He's also been making lists of things for me to do/know, which (a) keeps him a little more organized, (b) helps my task-oriented personality, and (c) helps me to see his train of thought and what his plans are in the long run. I should thank him, because it helps me a lot.

the journey

A wise man once told me, "In ministry, there is no settling." Settling as in settling down, staying in one place.

And at this moment, that thought terrifies me. Thinking about my call to ministry, where I might be called next. God called Abraham to just pack up and leave, and he followed. The Israelites kept walking towards that promised land, for 40 years! I can understand why they wanted to turn back...it's safer, more comfortable, being in a place you know with people you know.

It's difficult...a lot of what I see as important in ministry and in my faith journey is relational. Relationships with others, being the body of Christ, building up a community. But if I'm always having to say goodbye, why invest myself in the first place?

I know, I know...relationships are beneficial and meaningful, no matter how long they last. And I shouldn't let the potential of leaving take away from developing them in the here and now. It's just...when you leave a piece of your heart in each place...at some point don't you run out of pieces to give out?

Intellectually, I understand it all. And I can see how God uses every step of the journey. But sometimes...I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

Whoever says ministry is easy is lying.

(Granted, this post is very mood-oriented...next week I may be thrilled about the adventure of so many different things...)

thoughts on church ministry

I'm realizing a few things about church ministry. First, since I'm working with the kids, I don't get to go to a Sunday School class, hear a sermon, or go to a Bible study. Theoretically, I'm in seminary classes and therefore talking about faith-type things all the time...but it's more of an academic look. Not to put down the academic side...it can be very beneficial for my personal understanding and growth in my faith. But...I still need that community learning aspect outside the classroom.

I'm making a point to attend chapel at least once a week, solely so I can sit in a service and listen and not worry about doing something or being somewhere or making sure something goes correctly. I really need to be conscious of keeping the aspect of spiritual development a part of my life, both individually and in some form of community. But where, and when, and how?

It's the continual question...who ministers to the minister? I haven't figured that out yet...

friends...

You know, I kinda forgot about freshman year...at least all those feelings at the beginning of it. The uncertainty, the loneliness, the desire to connect with people. It took a good six weeks to really feel settled there with people.

But now it's freshman year, part two. New school with new people. And everyone boasts about the "community" that's here. And it is here. But I forgot that it takes time to build, especially with me. We're all at different points in our lives, with different lives, so it makes it harder to build those relationships.

I'm so impatient!

I found out today that my second cousin died. He was 32. Dropped dead, and they don't know why. Hopefully the autopsy will give them some clues.

I didn't know him that well, but he's family. So there was a connection there on some level. And he left behind a wife and stepson. I want to feel sad...and I do a little...but I've processed so much over the past few weeks that I can barely process anymore.

It's one of those things that reminds you how fragile life really is. How quickly it can all end. And that scares me sometimes, to think that I'm not invincible. I mean, I know I'm not, but I like to think that I've got at least 60 years ahead of me. It's probably selfish of me, but it's true. There are so many things I want to do, to experience...

RIP Brent.

faith like a child?

I am constantly in awe of small children. Their ability to pick up language, their perception of the world around them. How quickly they learn! They seem to constantly be in a state of wonder, of discovery, of invention. Learning to walk, to touch, to identify the things around them. How does their brain process it all? What are they thinking? I can only wonder...

When do we lose that perspective? When does the world suddenly become old, boring? When we're told to have faith like a child, does it include this spirit? I think so...I hope so. Encountering each day, each moment, each experience with God, as one of discovery, with a childlike sense of reverence at something so much bigger than we can ever fully comprehend.

Sometimes, when encountering the menial day-to-day tasks and fighting over the complex theologies, I forget this. I forget the wonder that belongs in a relationship with God, that should be a part of my life. The joy of experiencing God's blessings, of being able to serve others as a part of that commitment...why do I lose that?

It's interesting, how quickly life has changed over the past month. And now I'm in this world that finally feels somewhat normal. Yet I look at pictures or read stories online and find my mind drifting back over the ocean, back to a place and a people that still have a part of me.

In my creative writing class last year, we talked some about the idea of presence. What does it mean to be fully present? How can I fully be engaged here, when part of me is elsewhere? How can I integrate the two worlds, my two lives? I don't want South Africa to fade into a piece of nostalgia or a good story. It's so much more than that; it's an experience that has pressed upon my heart, affected me greatly. But has it changed me? Yes...no...it's so hard to tell...

Fade to gray

I notice in black-and-white photographs,
old ones of past weddings and family
or new ones taken with an artistic eye,
that it is the shades of gray which bring
the shape of the mother's hand,
the shadow of the dancing child,
the glimmer of light in the lover's eye
to what would otherwise be a flat print,
capturing the beloved
at that moment,
carrying him beyond the frame.