29 February 2008

don't fix me

Why do people (especially in the Christian community) find the need to "fix your problems" when you share something that you're struggling with?

Last time I checked, ministry wasn't about "fixing" people. (As my old therapist used to say...You fix dogs and cats, not people. When you fix people, you essentially neuter them and make them incapable of growing on their own.) Most of the time, people don't want a quick solution. They just want someone to hear them, to acknowledge their presence and their struggle, maybe even voice some similar struggle to know that they're not alone. But in several groups in my past...and now seminary...I've found myself in situations where it's just better to keep my mouth shut than really share what's going on because I don't want to be bombarded with quick fixes.

Case in point: I mentioned in my spirituality class that I'm struggling with some of what we're learning about because I'm in the process of questioning and reworking my personal theology and haven't figured out where everything fits yet. (Yes, I realize this is a process that I will never fully finish!) I'm okay with this process; it's a little disconcerting at times not to fully know where I stand, but I believe in a God who is bigger than my questions and that gives me hope. The class seemed suddenly concerned, and I felt like for the rest of the period people were giving me advice, or mentioning things directly at me. Even the professor kept talking about things and would stop periodically and say, "Did you connect with that, Erin?"

Thanks for making me feel like a freak because I'm questioning things. I thought seminary was a safe place to do that...I've learned now to keep my mouth shut...

21 February 2008

homeless

In my city, there's a homeless ministry where different churches take in homeless people for a week at a time, giving them a place to sleep and food to eat. It's a well-run ministry, and a good thing. This week, my church has been hosting 40 men.

Since I was up there for quartet practice last night, I decided to swing by the fellowship hall to see if the volunteers needed any help with serving dinner, etc. You know, being a good staff person, but also hoping to share a little fellowship with the homeless. (Ever since the play, I feel a bit of a kindred spirit with them.) The men were being dropped off and getting their things together after their day in the city. I was there talking to one of the leaders when one man walked right up to me and introduced himself (his name is Jeremy), and immediately started talking to me. We had a brief conversation, then I finished my conversation with the volunteer and began to leave. Jeremy drew me into another conversation as I was walking out, and out of respect I talked with him a few more minutes. I could tell that he had some mental difficulties (many homeless people do, sadly...there's not really a good system in America to help people like that).

As I finally excused myself and was walking out the door, he asked again what my name was, then if there was a way he could keep in touch with me to "talk about the Lord." Small red flags began waving in my brain. I again told him my name was Erin, and I could be contacted through the church office (knowing he probably didn't have the number). Then, I left.

Today, a church member came in to the office and told me that he had met my fiancé. Huh? He then explained how he had driven the men to the shower location this morning, and an extremely talkative man had sat there and told him how I was his fiancée and was going to be his wife, and how lucky I was. (The red flags in my head suddenly doubled in size.) The church member told me how he definitely sensed that the guy was a bit unstable as he talked about how he arbitrarily decided how much of his medication he would take. (Red flags now waving wildly.) He told me all this part joking, but part as a gentle warning. I replied that I wouldn't stop by to help anymore, and he agreed with my decision.

What sucks is that one sketchy person has now hampered my ability to serve in this ministry. I just wanted to be a part of helping, but to avoid any drama or problems with this guy, it's best that I stay out. As a young, single woman, I have to be careful. And I'm smart, and I figure out my boundaries pretty quickly and know when to step back, but it's just sad that one bad interaction has now shut down any future positive ones I could have had this week. I want to help, I want to serve, I want to connect with the poor and oppressed, I want to see Christ in them...but I hate that I have to worry about my safety. I hate that I live in a world where safety is a big concern, and not a guarantee. I hate that I can't trust everyone.

20 February 2008

quick thought

God’s love sets me free to enter into community with other people—even when the community is a very limited one and is not the total communion that my heart desires. Only when I live in communion with God can I live in a community that is not perfect. Only then can I love the other person and create a space in which we might be quite distant or very close, but we can still allow something new to be born—a child, friendship, joy, community, a space where strangers and guests can be received.

- Henri Nouwen


How true. My failing in the past has been searching for that perfect group, those perfect friends, those perfect relationships. At one of my lower points in undergrad, I isolated myself from almost everyone in my life, because for one reason or another I saw some small difference as an inability to connect. But, as we've been talking about in OT class...perfect is static. It doesn't change. And truly, what I need is a community that is willing to grow and change with me, because I am still forming who I am and what I believe. I'm not fit to be a part of a perfect community. It's the community that embraces you with your faults and failures and vulnerabilities and offers the love of Christ...that is the community worth holding on to.

I'm learning to let down my walls and let people in...scary thought, I know. But for community to truly happen, you have show some vulnerability and openness. And acceptance of others in their flaws as well...because I haven't been doing a great job of that lately. But it's true - when you recognize that we are all sinners, that we are all flawed, and we are all covered by God's grace, it's easier to love people as Jesus called us to love them. Now if only I could transfer that to a few people in my life...

14 February 2008

no internet?

I have a paper due tomorrow that I really need to work on. So naturally, I'm writing a blog post.

Sometime last weekend, the internet modem at work burned up. It wasn't until today that we finally got the new modem...but now we can't figure out how to make it work. Needless to say, things around the office have been a bit frazzled all week. And it hasn't helped my job much, either. As the queen of copy (technically, ministry assistant in charge of publications, but queen of copy sounds better), it complicated things because (a) I couldn't get necessary documents off of my email, and (b) the only printer access I have is through the wireless network. I learned that if the internet is down, so is my ability to print documents. Yay. Kinkos is my new friend...

It's a bit scary, really, how much we're attached to the internet. I google information, pictures, craft ideas all the time. It can be a great resource, networking with people, making our world smaller and smaller as we have more access to new information. But when we're forced to go one week...just one week!...without it, suddenly the world is falling apart. Is anyone else concerned about how much we depend on this resource?

And though it does bring new connections...in many ways it makes us even more alone. It takes your attention away from face-to-face interactions, and can suck up your time. I'm guilty of it...how many hours do I spend poking around on Facebook, hours that I could use to call an old friend or have coffee with a new one? Facebook tells me I have 419 "friends"...but really, how many of them are authentic? Social networking through sites like Facebook is beneficial in some ways (keeping in contact with people long distance), but are we in danger of using it as a substitute for authentic interaction?

The Internet can be a good thing, even a great thing. But perhaps we all need to be careful of keeping our usage (and dependency on it) in moderation...

Turn off your computer for a few hours. Call a friend or family member. Sit outside. Read a book. Go for a walk. Sit in a coffee shop. Don't lose out on the beauty and wonder in the life around you, the life that is so much more than a computer screen.

I plan on doing so...after I write this paper, of course.

05 February 2008

pacifism thoughts

One of my classes this semester is focusing on how Christianity relates and functions in a world of political, military, and economic superpowers. How does it interact with the government? How should it respond to conflicts, etc? It proves to be an interesting class, and I think it will stretch me a lot, both with the course content and format (5 people total in the class!)

I'm not exactly a patriotic type. Many, many things about America grate on my nerves and make me less than proud to be an American. And I'm becoming more and more of a pacifist. In an ideal world, pacifism makes sense. But in the imperfect world we have, marred by sin and evil, what do you do with that? How should pacifism respond to violent terrorism ... genocide ... brutal violation of human rights? What can be done to remedy the situation? Violence is not the solution, but is it possible to avoid it? What do you do with ruthless leaders who massacre millions? And horrible regimes? I know that our previous policies and actions have contributed to the conditions in today's world. We've screwed over countless peoples in the name of "freedom." But will we ever step up and acknowledge it, do something about it? What does the kingdom of heaven look like in our world today?

When did black and white become so gray?

04 February 2008

church membership

I changed my church membership yesterday. A slightly scary thing. I've only been the member of one church in my hometown, but after taking this part-time position at another church, I've felt the need to commit fully and transfer membership. It's more symbolic than anything else, as I continue to fight my distrust of working in a church setting. To give you an idea of how I was feeling...I think I was more nervous about going forward on Sunday than I was on opening night of Godspell.

But if I am going into church ministry, then this is something I'll have to get used to - committing to a church, but then moving on as the Spirit leads. So I did it. And the church members were very happy for me, which made me feel better about it. In fact, several didn't realize I wasn't a member yet. And we'll see what happens next...

In other news...as Godspell comes to a conclusion this weekend, I will be doing a lot of decompressing about the experience, some of which I hope to share on this blog. So stay tuned...