the thing about feeling a call...i can never fully know if it is God or the jumbled mess in my head. i don't trust myself right now to know if it is true, if i should do this or put the idea to the side as a crazy thought. but i'm suddenly in a time crunch to figure it out real quick...

that wonderful buzzword

Community.

Definite buzzword in the church right now. I'm all about it; I've experienced true community on several levels, and I am convinced it is an important part of the Christian life. It's through community that I have encountered the face of Christ.

At the school I currently attend, the "faces" of the school like to talk about the community among the student body, and how it's so great and welcoming.

About that...not seeing it.

Don't get me wrong; I've met some really nice people, and see the potential for some friendships. But not much has moved past the superficial level. When we're all together, we mix and mingle and talk to some degree. But outside that...what community is there?

In many ways, I don't feel like a part of this school.

Yes, I realize that as a first-year I haven't been here long enough to build strong relationships with a lot of people. It takes a while to build those relationships. But I'm even getting the same vibe from second- and third-years. Clearly if they've been here a while, they would feel more like a part of the community, right?

This train of thought comes from a conversation at our "community meeting" this morning. Someone mentioned the lack of student attendance at chapels, and how, among other things, it isn't showing prospective students and visitors the community that is here.

I offer this, instead: what if it really is showing the true state of the community here? What if the low attendance is not the problem itself, but the symptom of a larger problem?

You can talk about community all you want. You can claim it is there. But that may not be a true claim. I've been involved in groups like that, too, and it just felt so fake. And that, I think, is the real problem here. I get the sense that a few years ago there was a strong community at this school. But, perhaps certain personalities kept it going, and now that those people have graduated...people aren't sure what to do. Group dynamics are always changing at schools with the constant coming and going of new crops of students. In order to maintain a community, that community must be willing to shift and change with the changing dynamics. And I feel like people here haven't done that. You can't just keep saying, "We're a community" and *poof* one magically appears.

So maybe what needs to happen is an honest assessment of the current community life here. Admit that our talk is bigger than our walk. Then work to build one up again. I don't have some magic formula or recipe for making a community. You can't force it; it grows out of many different situations. But I do know one key to it is commitment: to each other, to the group, to the larger cause. Perhaps that's what is missing here...

(Note: I'm not trying to put down my school. I'm just trying to be honest about the way things are and my experience here thus far...)

quote time

Thought I would share a few quotes from my classes today...and there's really no connection between the two:

"You do not break the Ten Commandments. They break you." ~my Hebrew prof.
...I don't have time to type out the context of that one, but wow. It is a profound statement, and the explanation really makes you think about your approach to "biblical law." It's kinda the perspective I've been developing on my own, and it's nice to have some academic background to defend my changing views...

"My back-up costume for Halloween every year is Jael. I can't think of anyone scarier than that." ~Foundations prof.
...just thought that was funny! Judges 4 for the full story...


On another unrelated note, watch what you ask God for. Recognize the need to have patience with a certain person? Next thing you know, they're plopped down in your life in some way where you have to interact with them regularly. Funny, God, real funny...

quick entry before bed

Tonight, I had a long hang out/catch up session with my college roommate. We lived together for three years, and you don't realize how much someone has become a part of your life until they're not around all the time. We would do crazy things together, or complain about drama in our lives, or just process things out loud to the other person. In those three years, we showed our good and bad sides...and made it out without killing each other and still remaining friends. And from that, there's an openness in that relationship where we can still sit and talk about anything...from deep and heavy stuff to random silly jokes that only we find funny. No judging, just an acceptance of who the other person is and enjoying the time together.

I admit, I haven't really felt like myself this past week. But tonight a part of me came back...maybe because I finally felt like I didn't have to pretend. I just...was me.

grown-up?

I stopped by my parents' house this evening to pick up some mail that I'd gotten: a much-belated graduation card from my crazy aunt. In it was a $20 gift card to Walmart. I almost jumped out of my chair, I was so excited. Funny how your perspective changes when you're paying bills and living paycheck to paycheck...

"she's gonna marry that boy someday..."

No, the title is not in reference to me, haha. Yesterday, my friend got married. I am so excited for the two of them; they make a great couple. But it's a little surreal...I remember when she was a senior, leading all of us brand-new freshmen, and the pride that she had in her "single independent woman" status. And now, she's married. Crazy what happens in four years' time.

It was a breath of fresh air to see so many familiar faces. I didn't realize how much I missed them, especially "the girls" (can't really classify us as seniors now, haha). Friendships are an interesting thing. Within that group, my core college group, it's a mix of many different personalities, backgrounds, and interests. But somehow, we all bonded together. We went through a lot of stuff together. People were hurt at times (and I know I did some of the hurting), but there was room for forgiveness and acceptance for change...in personalities, in emotions, in relationships. We all have varying degrees of closeness to each other, but that's to be expected in any group. It seems like within our group, there was a commitment to each other, that overrode any differences or disagreements or disappointments. I finally figured out how to break down my walls and let them in.

And it's been tough for us all to be separate, I think (or at least in my situation). Not a 5-10 minute walk away (or a shout across the room, in some cases)...more like a 4 hour (or 7 hour, or 2 day) drive. "Regular" conversations are no longer daily, but maybe weekly, or bi-weekly, or just random Facebook messages. We're all at new stages in our lives...marriages, jobs, grad schools...and all figuring out what is next and where in the world we're headed. But even though we've had changes and are away from each other...I still feel that connection to them. I feel a security in those relationships, that I don't have to talk to them every single day in order to remain close to them. (Not that I wouldn't mind talking to them every day, but the reality of our situations doesn't allow for that!) And that's a good feeling, to know that if I'm really struggling, I can still pick up a phone and call one of them and be honest with them. Yeah, our relationships are going to shift as we settle into these new lives. But I think if we are willing to move with the changes and accept them for what they are, it won't be devastating. Nor will it mean the relationships are any less important. They'll just be...different.

It takes time to build those relationships. I know. It will take time here to build similar ones. So I'm back at square one, trying to put aside my unrealistic expectations and slowly break down the walls that I've already built up around me...

A good weekend

Mini-road trip on Friday...so good to swap experiences, walk down familiar streets, hear the laughter, share in those lives again. I was deliberate about seeking out people to meet up with...I wasn't ready for a complete reunion with everyone. Some wounds still healing over...

Then a last-minute invitation to a great party. Old and new friends together, and I felt a little more at home in this place that is still so foreign in so many ways.

***************************************

This morning, a little girl gave me a card. Her family hadn't been to church in a couple years, and started coming back last week. It was homemade, and said "Thank you for the morning songs" with a picture of a piano (I play the piano for an opening music time we have with all the kids). Second week there, and she thought enough of me to make me a card. I almost cried. Then the kids in children's church made pictures of their favorite things about church, and another relatively new girl drew me as part of hers, along with music and something else. I was filling in on piano today, so I wasn't even down there with them. But she still thought of me.

It really impacted me. I don't know these girls very well (when you're trying to just contain the chaos, it's hard to build relationships!), but they know me. And I'm having some impact on their lives and their church experiences. Sweet gestures that remind me of how important my presence and participation is when I'm at work...ministering to them.

It's becoming less of a job and more of a ministry...

a time to be silent...

seriously. people need to think before they open their mouths. especially in the classroom. i mean, if you have a well-thought-out belief and can articulate it, fine. but don't parrot what you've heard from someone else. and don't claim a viewpoint and act like you know what you're talking about when really you don't.

and i need to find more grace for these people...because Jesus loves them, too.

quick thought

i need to forgive people and places for not meeting my expectations, especially when the expectations i set are very high.