high anxiety

**Note - this is more of a personal entry than a true blog entry.

You know, when I started this whole seminary process, I knew it would be a difficult road. But for some reason, I thought that would be confined to the classroom and my own intellectual life. Not other areas of life as well.

My roommate is transferring. I am losing a friend. Friendships here have been a struggle, because I've been trying to break out of a clique I have found myself in. I am trying to have a good experience at seminary, but it's hard when some of your friends are creating an unhealthy environment for that.

At the same time, I'm also losing the second half of my rent (which I can't afford on my own). I've put in an application to live in an intentional community, but I'm still waiting on that process. Meanwhile, I had to submit a form to the school saying I would not be living in this apartment next year. So technically, I don't have a place to live next year. Yet.

(Sure, living with my parents is an option, but that's really a last resort. It's not a good location or conducive to my lifestyle. But if nothing else works out, I guess that's where I'll end up.)

Our school is also going through some tough times. I won't go into details here, but there will be some major changes up ahead. Which is a stressful thing, since I will be a student during the time of this major transition.

It's a lot of uncertainty that has hit all at once. I really didn't see it coming. And in the midst of all these papers and books, I just want to crawl in my bed and not come out for a week.

I forget about "the bubble"

We had our spring lecture series at my seminary this week. Jonathan Wilson-Hargrave and Ann Atwater shared the platform as they discussed issues of race and church. (How appropriate, considering recent events that have made headlines). It's led to some good discussions among people about race and our faith, the need for conversations and reconciliations across the color lines. It's been a topic that I have been thinking about for a while, so it's nice to talk with others who share that line of thinking.

Then I went to my hometown to get my hair cut. (Note: my hometown is...Southern. And conservative). I love my hairdresser; she's a sweet woman from the church I grew up in. Well, she asked me what I thought about all this presidential stuff. In my head, I thought, "Crap." I talked about how it's a shame all these things are making headlines and that the candidates are picking on each other. She managed to work the Obama/Wright issue into the conversation. Apparently, his choice to attend that church is a bad decision, and makes her doubt that he can make good choices for our country. She also doesn't realize why "they" always want to talk about slavery, because she didn't have anything to do with it, and "they" have it good now.

The discussions reminded me that not everyone thinks the way that I do, sees the same things that I do. I (gently) tried to share how I thought the conversations about race are important, because the issues have never been addressed publicly. I don't know if she ever agreed with me, but she was respectful of my opinion.

That's the thing about the seminary bubble. I can have good conversations with people who think like me, but what about out there, in the churches? Chances are good that there will be people who don't think like me. I can't vilify or trash-talk them, because they, too, are worthy of respect and love. As my own beliefs and opinions are changing, how do I effectively live them out while still embracing those who may not agree with me?

This is one of those things I can't take a class on. It comes from interacting with the more conservative people in my classes; from having conversations like the one with my hairdresser; from learning maturity in how to deal with these issues with grace. And it's flat out annoying and awkward at times...but it is necessary.

Poverty and family in Deuteronomy 15:1-11

We live in a world of economic inequality. People everywhere are divided by class, with the gap between the world’s rich and the world’s poor growing larger by the day. While a small minority hold much of the world’s wealth, a great majority of individuals are caught within the cycles of impoverishment and its ramifications. The question remains: are we as the church to do anything about this problem? From a biblical standpoint, the answer is yes. The teachings of Jesus favor the poor and oppressed, but those teachings are not unique to the New Testament. Indeed, the basis behind many policies regarding social justice have their roots in Old Testament law. A closer look at one such policy toward the needy neighbor outlined in Deuteronomy 15:1-11 reveals both God’s desire to lift up and restore dignity to the poor and the role that we as the church are to play in those actions.

Deuteronomy 15 begins with the radical call for a Sabbatical year regarding the cancelling of debts. According to this legislation, the Israelites were to wipe out all debts every seven years (Deut. 15:1). But where did this law come from? After years of wandering, Israel had settled as a growing nation-state, and with that transition came a new economic situation that developed poor and wealthy aspects of society.[1] The poor individuals and families did not always have a choice in their status, though. In an economy largely based upon agriculture, many uncontrollable variables could ruin or destroy a harvest, sending a family into poverty.[2] As a result, loans and debts became a new practice for impoverished families to survive; however, with it came the beginning of more solidified social classes and increased feelings of superiority and inferiority between them.

The underlying themes of brotherhood in Deuteronomy make it clear that the institution of economic distinctions between peoples was never God’s intent. We were not created to become rich or poor, but simply to be the people of God. Thus, God commanded the principle of the Sabbatical year in Deuteronomy 15 to help remedy the disparity. As Water Bruggeman says, the ritual of debt cancellation was “an extraordinary requirement to assure that there should be no permanent underclass in the neighborhood, no enduringly disadvantaged people.”[3] With their debts remitted, these families one again could fully participate in normal community life, restoring their dignity within the community.[4] Of course, the universal release was never a one-time occurrence, as money and power create vicious cycles of debt that must continually be broken.[5] The repetitive nature helped keep the economy in check, for it was never intended to control society as a whole, oppressing the lives of individuals caught in unfortunate situations.[6]

Unfortunately, little evidence suggests that the principle of the Sabbatical year actually became a regular practice in Israel. Many scholars say that the law is so theoretical that it must have been impossible to implement as an universal practice.[7] However, does that mean texts like Deuteronomy 15 should be disregarded in our modern world? Absolutely not. The collection of laws in the Old Testament offer poignant theological commentary about the nature of God and the Israelite’s relationship with both God and each other.[8] Though the exact practice may be unworkable, the spirit of the law is one we can and should claim in our lives today when considering the poor both here and abroad.

The basis behind the Sabbatical year is more than pure economics. The text of Deuteronomy 15 commands each Israelite to assist his neighbor, thus extending what is typically a familial responsibility to encompass the entire community. John Rogerson calls this a “brother-ethic,” where the Israelites were to look beyond their tribal lines and view each person as a part of their larger family.[9] Thus, each person was obligated to help those in the community who were in need, offering protection for the least in the nation. The familial perspective also increases the dignity of the poor, as they are seen as kin in need of help rather than strangers with a financial problem. Such a perspective mandates a more generous attitude, for who does not want to help a family member? Moreover, the text emphasizes that God gave the Israelites their land, so in response to that blessing they had a responsibility to help their neighbor.[10] Directly tied to that possession is additional blessings in the land, though with the caveat that blessings come “if only [they] will obey the Lord [their] God by diligently observing this entire commandment” (Deut. 15:5). As a result, the law sets up the concept that blessing is not for the sake of the individual, but comes with the responsibility to help others.

Of course, the writers of Deuteronomy knew that the law of the Sabbatical year would not be enough by itself. Verses 7-11 take the concept further, warning some creditors who might reject requests for loans as Sabbatical years come closer, knowing that those loans have the least chance of being repaid before the time of remission. Here, the text warns to give generously, “whatever it may be,” regardless of the timing of the request. What is more, the writers emphasize the mental state of the creditor, condemning one who is “hard-hearted,” “tight-fisted,” and “entertain[ing] a mean thought” toward a brother or sister in need (Deut. 15:7, 9). Begrudgement both cheapens the act of aid and belittles the needy neighbor, implying that he is not worth the effort. On the contrary, the rejection of this resentful attitude reflects that God values the poor equally as much as the wealthy. Giving to the poor is not a strict law to be carried out, but an act of love for one’s neighbor.

Though some creditors might have looked at lending situations solely through the perspective of what they might get out of it, the text denies that thought process. The original intent of lending, at least according to Deuteronomy, was less as a business transaction and more as an act of aid for a neighbor.[11 Thus, legislation such as this was “a demand that the Israelite be ready to relinquish something which, for whatever reason, he may feel inclined to take or keep for himself, perhaps even justified in doing so.”[12] Living within a familial perspective takes away the right to withhold individual blessings from others, using them instead as a way to ease the burden for a neighbor, without the expectation that we will be repaid. Through this lens, the debtor’s identity is elevated from one who owes money to a brother or sister in need, for “all our society’s members have the right to be human.”[13 Again, the relationship of the debtor and the creditor is emphasized beyond a mere business acquaintance to a fellow human being and family member.

If we are to follow Deuteronomy 15 today, who, then, is our neighbor? The text implies that neighborliness for the ancient Israelites extended only to fellow Israelites, as it makes a distinction from lending to foreigners (Deut. 15:3). But how do we translate this ancient policy of loyalty into our world? In one sense, we can look to the church community as our family, a valid application of the principle of the Sabbatical. Within the body of Christ, we are called to support each other and lift each other up when difficult times arise, both spiritually and economically. But does the love of God, and consequently, our attention, also go beyond the walls of the church? Our brothers and sisters are not just those who sit within our own congregations, but are within our larger community of the county, the state, the nation, and even the world. And though slavery in the ancient sense is much less widespread (though sadly not completely extinct), countless individuals, families, and governments find themselves bound to others with oppressive debts or in difficult situations that are impossible to remedy alone. Our sister is the cancer patient with no health insurance, struggling under huge financial debt while fighting to stay alive. Our brother is the homeless man suffering from mental illness with no money or means to stabilize his condition. Our sister is the single mother in Africa who has been forced into prostitution so she can feed her family. Our brother is the man whose home was wiped out by Katrina and still has not been able to rebuild. The list goes on and on, in a world full of broken people trapped in cycles of poverty and destitution. These members of our family need not just a way out of their situations, but the restoration of their personal dignity and respect as our brothers and sisters.

To one individual, the list of needy neighbors is daunting. How can one person help all these people? Logically, no man or woman can singlehandedly bring an end to the widespread poverty even in our immediate surroundings. We alone do not have the power or ability to call an end to all debts, nor will our society today even entertain such a thought. This is where we must reclaim the concept of the church as a familial community, much as the Israelites did. Though one person can do a few things to ease symptoms of poverty, it is the wider neighborhood of believers that has a greater ability to help others. We as the church hope for the day that there “be no one in need among [us],” but we still must acknowledge and act upon the fact that “there will never cease to be some in need on the earth.” Together as the body of Christ, let us reach out to the homeless, the hungry, the sick, and the hurting, both within our community and outside it. As Deuteronomy’s law says, we must open our hands in love and generosity to the poor and impoverished, granting them the respect they are worthy of and the assistance that they need, for they are our brothers and sisters.

---

[1] R. Clements, “Deuteronomy,” NIB 2:404.

[2] Hoppe, There Shall Be No Poor Among You: Poverty in the Bible (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2004), 26.

[3] Walter Bruggeman, The Covenanted Self: Explorations in Law and Covenant (Minneapolis: Fortress, 1999), 80.

[4] Clements, “Deuteronomy,” 2:405.

[5] Bruggeman, The Covenanted Self, 80.

[6] Clements, “Deuteronomy,” 2:404.

[7] Clements, “Deuteronomy,” 2:404.

[8] John Rogerson, Theory and Practice in Old Testament Ethics (London: T&T Clark International, 2004), 26.

[9] Rogerson, Theory and Practice in Old Testament Ethics, 25.

[10] J.G. McConville, Law and Theology in Deuteronomy (Sheffield: JSOT Press, 1984), 12.

[11] Hoppe, There Shall Be No Poor Among You, 30.

[12] McConville, Law and Theology in Deuteronomy, 15-6.

[13] D. Christensen, “Deuteronomy” Word Bible Commentary 6a:322

---

Maundy Thursday

Tonight was one of the most stressful moments of my job thus far.

We had our Maundy Thursday service, and I found myself playing a huge role in it. Wearing a robe. Processing in with the ministers. Praying. Serving communion (first time for me ever). Reading scripture. Extinguishing candles. Singing a solo (my first total solo since elementary school).

I forget sometimes that I'm only 22. At school and at work, I'm around people older than me, so I start to equate myself with them. But there are elements of experience that I just don't have yet, because I am so young. And I forget that, until random moments like today remind me of my young age and inexperience.

At some point right before the service started, it all hit me. The seriousness of everything that I was doing (and the seriousness of the service itself). A lot of personal firsts, all thrown into one service. So I was a bundle of nerves the entire time, which made my solo a little weak.

I got through it, and it went well, other than the weak solo. But still...it was stressful. Hopefully this stuff gets easier with time...because if I end up in church ministry, I'll be doing stuff like this a lot more often...

Five years ago...

Five years ago, I was a senior in high school. I didn't have a clear sense of politics or international relations; I just went along with whatever people told me. Which, in my small town, meant I was Republican, because that's what "all good Christians are."

Five years ago, America invaded Iraq. A boy in my class (president of the Young Republicans at my school), insisted that we stop English class to turn on the TV and watch it. I remember seeing those flashes of light on the screen, not sure what to make of it. Mr. YR jumped around the room, cheering and celebrating the "shock and awe," yelling something about justice and how they deserved it.

Five years ago, I realized that something was wrong, terribly wrong, with that picture. I didn't fully comprehend the impact of war (we've always been militarily involved in some country for as long as I can remember), or think about the innocents being harmed by the blasts. But the excessive joy over such a somber event...it still makes my stomach turn, even today.

hmmm, more politics

Obama (and his speechwriters) sure can write a speech. I've been more than a little annoyed by all the focus that has been placed on Rev. Wright and his inflammatory comments. It's pretty ridiculous how people have made this such an issue.

But I applaud Obama and his ability to stand before the nation and acknowledge the racial struggle and divide that still exists in this country. After my time in SA, I've seen the gap much more clearly, and it has bothered me more and more. As a nation, we've never fully worked through the inequality and injustice. And the way to start that process is to start talking about it, beyond private conversations among closed company. Obama is right - until we can truly come together, many inequalities and injustices don't stand a chance of being righted.

We are still suffering from the poor decisions of our ancestors. We live in a broken system. But maybe, just maybe, we can work together to make things a little better, both in this nation and around the world.

a bit of idealism

So an issue that has become more and more important to me is the treatment of the poor. Lack of healthcare, lack of a good system for those suffering from mental illness, hunger, homelessness, the foster care system...all worthy causes that need more attention. I'm interested in what the candidates have to say about them, about what they will do if elected.

But here's the rub: these candidates are spending millions of dollars to tell us what they want to do for the poor (among other issues).

What if they took that money and just directly applied it to causes and organizations that worked to alleviate poverty and injustice? Talk about your campaign reform...it would be a campaign revolution.

But then again...we've set up this system where in order to be heard in the political realm, you have to have money. So millions of dollars are funneled into flyers, commercials, events, etc., while people are sleeping on the street and wondering where their next meal will come from. And even though promises are made on the campaign trail, with the way our political system functions there is no guarantee those statements will come true.

Sometimes, I really don't like America.

nothing deep here today...

...just a few interesting things people have said/written to me today...

From the church secretary:
"You look like Izzy from Grey's"
-I guess that's a compliment...minus the whole sleeping with a married man thing. But, she didn't say I acted like her.

From my spirituality professor:
"You write so well, and your reflections are full of both tenderness and that pleasant self-deprecating humor of yours."
-I didn't realize self-deprecating humor was a trademark of mine. I find that interesting...

From a church member:
"It is wonderful to have your smiling competent presence at church!"
-Somewhat awkward compliment...but appreciated nonetheless.

I never fully know what to do with compliments. I've finally been able to simply say, "thank you." Just as long as they don't go to my head...

kids say the darndest things...

For the month of March, I'm doing an international emphasis with my kids, talking about different cultures and helping them to get a little more of a global perspective. Last night, I taught them about South Africa. (It feels like it was so long ago...and yet like it was yesterday...). We were looking at some of my pictures, which they enjoyed. Of course, one decided to point out that I was skinnier in the pictures than I am now. Thank you for that, kid...good thing I have a decent body image...

Anyway, I showed them one I have of a black boy playing with broken toys. I pointed out that the toys were broken, and that there are some poor people over there (just as there are poor people everywhere). One of the kids then asked, "Why are they poor?"

Good question.

I think I answered in that moment with some brief, sterilized, kid-friendly version of how apartheid created this class separation and it's hard to make things completely equal again when they didn't get the same education and opportunities for so long. (Is it wrong to tell kids about apartheid? I don't think so, if it's addressed the right way and emphasized how WRONG it is.)

But really, on a larger scale...why are there poor people? I can come to some sort of explanation of how it came to be (from where I stand right now, we live in a world marred by sin that has messed with the entire system of creation, causing inequalities and injustices everywhere). But that doesn't fully satisfy the question for me. Because it's not fair. It's not right. Yet what do we do about it? What should we do about it? The system is so broken...how do we redeem it? Or is it beyond redemption?

Of course, I say all this as I sit in my own apartment, typing on my laptop, enjoying electricity and food and a safe neighborhood. Though here I am the "poor seminary student," in most parts of the world I am rich by comparison. What I spent on lunch today could feed some families in other parts of the world for a week. That sure puts things into perspective...