grief

Grief is a foreign concept for me. I recognize that people grieve, and have experienced loss of different kinds in my life. But I've never had to face the death of someone I was close to.

My boyfriend's grandmother passed away Thursday morning, suddenly. He is grieving. And I am grieving with him.

It's odd, to grieve for someone you never met. Yet he was so close to her, and I am so close to him, that I am grieving...for him, and with him. I feel guilty to insert my emotions into the situation...but I can't help it.

After a mini-breakdown in class, I had a long talk with my favorite professor. He talked about how the mind and brain are two different things and how we can't figure out the connection between the two. Many things that I don't remember, but it was comforting in some way. And at the end, he said, "Let yourself cry. Let yourself feel. It's okay."

Words I needed to hear.

it's a small world after all

The other night, I was celebrating a friend's birthday, and was introduced to one of his friends from PASSPORT that he worked with several years ago. She seemed really familiar.

I asked her when and where she worked. One of her years was Wingate 02, my first year as a camper.

She was my Bible study leader.

Now we're both PASSPORT staff alumni, and have some of the same friends. Funny how small the world can be sometimes.

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In other news...I'm recovering after our Fall Festival, which over 600 people came to. I'm a bit sad that most of the congregation doesn't realize I did most of the planning for this event. I'm ready for the election to be over (and excited about all the options of free food on election day!). And I'm frustrated by people who like to do things at the last minute and expect me to switch around my entire schedule for them.

Well, I came to the realization that it has been quite a while since I updated this thing.

First there was school and work, which had me running around like crazy. Then came the mono, which put an end to all running around and reduced me to a moss-covered log who laid in bed and watched TLC all day. The past 3-4 weeks have consisted of me trying to get better and do everything I can without exhausting myself.

Good news is, I'm almost post-mono. Bad news is, my endurance is gone. Seems my body has gotten used to lying around all the time and sleeping for a minimum of 8 hours a day. Where has that running girl gone? I can't find her.

Having mono basically gave me a "forced sabbatical," which I did not want. I am fortunate to have professors who care about me and tell me, "your health comes first; the work can wait." My coworkers, too, have taken on extra loads so I can rest. It's a slight blow to your pride when you realize the world can continue to run without you. But it's true. I am just so blessed to have so many people who wanted to make sure I was recovering properly.

I'm back at work and class now, and minus a few papers that will be completed at a later date, I'm almost feeling normal again. I'm a bit sad that I've missed October; weather-wise, it's a beautiful month. Oh well.

So now that the mono is almost gone, perhaps I'll write on this thing a bit more. I do have ideas and observations about things, and hopefully I'll start recording them more.

9/11

I acknowledge that this is a solemn day. I was a junior in high school, blissfully unaware while sitting in my precalculus class. It wasn't until I got to Spanish that I heard the news, and saw the pictures. It all looked so surreal - I thought it was a scene from Independence Day. The principal made us turn off the televisions, and few of my teachers wanted to talk about it. I still remember that Mrs. Yohe helped calm down our fears, and Mr. McDonald actually talked about the facts with us. Everyone else didn't seem to acknowledge that it happened, instead wanting to know why we hadn't finished our homework. We walked around the halls in a daze, not able to comprehend it all.

It was a terrible day.

There's a well-written article on Ethics Daily that is worth reading. It gives a different and much-needed view on this day. While in no way does it take away the reality of the events seven years ago or lessen the gravity of the situation, it does provide a broader perspective...

Nothing brings about a good random post...

...like the need to write/finish a sermon.

Yes, I am preaching the new student orientation chapel on Tuesday; thus, I am updating my slightly neglected blog.

Today in children's church we talked about Moses and the burning bush. To get the kids thinking about the story, I got them to imagine how they would feel if they were Moses at certain parts of the story, and show me with their facial expressions. When I first mentioned the bush, most had looks of fear. But one boy in the back had a big grin on his face. I asked him why, and he said, "I could roast marshmellows over it!"

Roasting marshmellows over the burning bush. Good one, kid :o)

"it's a rainforest adventure...a tree top Bible blast!"

I've been neglecting this blog a bit...so much to write about, and no time to write! But here's a little something...

Yesterday was my birthday. And what better way to spend your birthday than have the opening night of VBS?

Yes, I worked on my birthday. A lot. But it actually ended up being a really good day.

The reason for my post? To showcase some of the AMAZING VBS decorations that we have this year. Our theme is "Rainforest Adventure," and a few of our ladies have transformed the fellowship hall into an actual rainforest...

The entrance

The registration area

The cave to get to the rain forest

The rain forest!

And I didn't even post pictures of everything...isn't it awesome?!? So creative, and so under budget!! Guess who I'm recruiting for fall festival decorations this year... ;o)

a full year in the states

It has been a full year since I returned from South Africa. Wow.

So much has happened in the past year that it seems like a lifetime ago. Yet I still remember the faces and the voices and the places so clearly.

My time in Johannesburg changed me. A lot. And through that experience and the processing afterwards (the processing that still continues today), I've realized a lot about myself and life in general...

*I have no fear of traveling now. Go on a mission trip overseas? Okay! I have a comfort level in other cultures and among other peoples.
*I require introvert time, even if it's just a nap. Though I love people and I love new situations, I get overwhelmed when I don't have a chance to take a break and be by myself for a little bit.
*Shower time = sacred time. No shower = a big adjustment.
*Germs? What germs?
*I am a selfish person who doesn't fully appreciate everything she has.
*I have the tendency to shut myself off emotionally and distance myself from others. This can prevent building relationships with others and truly ministering to them.
*I adore children. Even if they're naughty.
*Some of the most sacred moments come out of the most ordinary things.
*Laughter can bridge any cultural or language barrier.
*No amount of training or education can ever teach you to love fully and unconditionally. That's just something you have to learn on your own.
*Communication with those you love is incredibly important.
*You can cook almost anything in a skillet.
*Massive amounts of food are overrated. Yet we in America succumb to it every day.
*High fructose corn syrup is gross.
*Transition is very very difficult. And it's okay to admit that.
*I still miss it. A lot. Even though I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now.
*Missions isn't about bringing Christ to others. It's about going to others, loving them, and recognizing how Christ is already in their midst.
*Ministry is where my heart is.

recap from the week...

I had several moments this week that I wanted to blog about...but haven't been motivated to do so until now. So here's a glance at the past week...
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Last Sunday I preached at a small church plant in my college town. I'm good friends with the pastor; he's taking some time off to recover from surgery. I talked about Jacob's ladder, and made a few passing comments about the stone with oil that Jacob set up after his encounter with God.

Later in the service, the pastor's 6-year-old son came up to me, pointed to the communion supplies (a loaf of bread and cup of juice), and whispered, "The bread can be the stone, and the juice can be the oil!" I'm sure there's something theologically deep in that statement...but how precious that he picked up on that.
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Tuesday I spent the day with the middle schoolers at a local theme park. It was so much fun to just run around the park with them; they were thrilled about the fact that I would ride all the rides. A few even specially requested that I sit next to them. And I got a glimpse at what relational ministry is all about...hopefully my job will allow for more of that. :o)
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Wednesday the boyfriend and I went to the "Jesus for President" Tour, led by Shane Claiborne and his friends. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was a really cool experience. Thought-provoking, fun, and very memorable. Boyfriend was blown away. Good times all around.
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And this morning I preached at my old church, where I attended since I was 5. The pastor is in Europe for the BWA Youth conference, so he called me in to preach. I was a bit nervous about preaching where I grew up (because who takes you seriously in your hometown?). I think the sermon went well at both services; it's a bit more challenging than some people might have expected. I got a lot of "We're so proud of you" and "Great job" comments; part of me wonders if they were referring to the sermon itself, or just amused by the fact that their "little girl" is all grown up and preaching. But a few people did say some heart-felt things.

It's a bit selfish, really, wanting good feedback from a sermon. I want to know it reached people; I want to know it made a difference; I want the credit. Very selfish. We're not called to preach for our own glory, but for God's. Yet at the same time, as a growing minister and someone who doesn't have a lot of experience, that feedback means a lot to me to know if I am following the right path.

Did my sermon touch anyone? Will it make a difference? I may never know. But I preached what I felt led to preach, and I have to be satisfied with that.

interesting...

In the light of the recent "open letter" drama regarding Cecil Sherman's remarks at the CBF convention, I felt the need to throw in my two cents, and pass along an interesting quote...

I do not condone the Holocaust remark. It is distasteful and wrong to use that as an analogy for the SBC takeover. However, Dr. Sherman is still worthy of great respect for the role he played in the formation of the CBF. You can't ask him to stop talking about it...the man lived it! And to write an "open letter" (which was not even sent first to Dr. Sherman) claiming to speak for all "young CBF members" (which it does not) that is signed by people who to my understanding are not even directly in ministerial positions in local churches (which helps one to see the complexity of how denominational life works)...it's a bit presumptuous. I have not had time to fully process the entire situation, but this is what I know:

I am a young CBF member. These people do not speak for me. Yes, the CBF needs to continue searching for a new direction, but to ignore the past is wrong. We cannot dwell in it, or continually rehash it, but it is important to learn from it. Why, you ask?

Well, just this afternoon, a quotation was passed along to me from a fellow minister. It's taken from a sermon last year preached by Colleen Burroughs at the CBFV General Assembly on March 10, 2007. I know that a husband and wife can have separate opinions, but given the recent events it caught my attention...

“If you are students or someone under the age of 30 in this room, you may be tired of hearing about your Baptist history, but it is important to understand how the people before us have lived. It’s important to know and understand with whom we have disagreed with as Baptists and why it has made people uncomfortable. You may think it has nothing to do with you, that it’s not your fight, but you would be wrong. It is woven into the very fabric of who you are as young Baptists.”

Just my two cents...

thank you, sir

I drove out to my hometown today for a funeral (a sweet, sweet older man from my old church passed away suddenly after an unexpected stroke). While stopped at a stoplight, I was seized by a particularly vain and self-absorbed moment and started checking on my hair in the rearview mirror. (In my defense - I rarely straighten my hair in the summer, so I wanted to make sure it was still behaving itself).

Having finished, I glanced over at the car next to me, where a man with a cigarette in his hand was waving at me. When he saw he had my attention, he gave me a smile and a thumbs up, as if to say, "don't worry, you look good!" We both started laughing; the light turned green and we drove our separate ways.

But as I drove down the road, I continued to smile, for the small joy that man had brought to my life.

that movie everyone is talking about...

Well, I hate to jump on the blog bandwagon, but I have to say it.

I saw The Dark Knight today with a friend. It was so intense, emotionally and psychologically. I've never been a big fan of the Batman series, but this movie may have won me over. It took on some great, complex themes with great depth, something I really appreciate. And it freaked me out just a bit (note: not a movie for young children!). But an excellent, excellent film, with great performances by all the cast. There's so much I want to write about, but I don't want to spoil for people, so I'll wait a bit...

Go see it. Right now. Yes, I'm talking to you!

very funny...

A sweet family from church took the five community house girls out to eat at a Vietnamese restaurant last night. Vietnamese = amazing! We all had fortune cookies at the end, and this is what mine read:

There's no harm in putting all your eggs in one basket - just watch it closely.

Given my recent mental crises regarding plans for the future and how committed I should be to things right now...these are not the words I wanted to hear...

Good thing I don't really believe those things...

new paper!

Our new bulletin paper came in today. I know, that's kinda boring stuff to hear...but we've had a new minister come on staff, so it was time to update the bulletin cover where we list all the ministers on staff. But now listed along with the other ministers is...me.

Holy crap, I'm on the bulletin cover. Bottom of the list, "Children's Ministry Assistant." The senior pastor decided I needed to be listed with the rest of the staff. And it's exciting :o)

There's something special about seeing your name in print. It solidifies things, makes them feel concrete and real. It shows other people recognize you as well, and acknowledge your presence and calling. I get so excited about the small steps in ministry, the little things that show I'm growing in this position. So now I'm official, right there in black and white (er, blue and gray) with the guys.

kickin' off the heels

Starting tomorrow, our sanctuary ceiling is undergoing asbestos abatement. For the next two months, we will be worshiping in the fellowship hall while the ceiling is replaced. So, today we had to clean out the sanctuary. Following the service/picnic/band concert, staff and members lugged out the pew cushions, hymnals, Bibles, and chairs.

Not one to be left out, I kicked off my heels and worked right along side them all. One man from the choir yelled out, "Watch out, it's a country girl!" Another commented on how I was showing off my muscles.

Most of these people only see me on Sunday morning, where I'm dressed up and leading the kids. So it was fun for me to show the other side of me...the "country girl" who isn't afraid to get down and dirty with a little hard work.

How often are we afraid to get our hands dirty (both metaphorically and literally)? I get tired of the polished face we put on Christianity and the church - because following Jesus is anything but nice and put together. I love our respectful, traditional worship services...but it shouldn't end there. True worship - true faith - is lived out in the day to day, in the dirt and the mess and rubble of our lives.

Perhaps we all need some lessons in kicking off our heels in church.

God's will?

You know, we make a really big deal about following God's will. Doing what God wants us to do. Somewhere along the way in my childhood, I took the idea of the "straight and narrow" a bit too literally and interpreted God's will as being this one particular path. And if I were to make the wrong decision and stray from that path...only bad things would happen.

Naturally, this caused quite a bit of anxiety with my decision-making. And it can cause me to second guess things in my life, always wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

Theologically, I don't agree with that anymore. But that way of thinking is ingrained in my thinking, and still pops up on occasion.

I've had to learn that sometimes, my choices are between good and good. And God can work through either situation. I still need to practice discernment, but I don't need to become so anxious about my decisions.

This really makes me reconsider how I address things like this when teaching children and youth. Yes, following God is difficult. But many times we complicate the situations in our minds, second guessing and stressing too much over making the right decision, as though life is a multiple choice test that we can fail. Perhaps it's more of an essay, that we write continuously, learning and processing and developing things as we go...

job thoughts

So I'm back on the East Coast after my whirlwind vacation/conference in Memphis. It really was a fun time, and I got to see a variety of people. And I'm bursting with ideas for the children's ministry...

A struggle I've been having recently (well, really this entire year) is figuring out my place in my job. As the "ministry assistant," I don't have a lot of specific duties. Make the bulletins and newsletters, check. Help with kids stuff, check. And "other duties as assigned."

The thing is, it can vary from week to week. I have periods where I have so much responsibility and am doing so much! Then I have weeks when I feel like I'm just a secretary taking care of the crap no one else wants to do. I mean, I'm gaining a ton of experience and learning a lot from working with these guys, but I wish I could do more on the ministry side! I feel like I have so many great ideas, but I don't always feel like I have the freedom to take them on.

Here's some of the thoughts in my brain: I want to be a minister - and I am in some regards - but in many regards I'm not old enough - but who said age was important - I need to do my best regardless of where I am - but what if people just restrict me to that niche and don't give me a chance outside of it - but I don't want to take on more than I can handle and burn out - but I want to be taken seriously - but don't people already take me seriously?

I feel like I need to work on my humility. And patience. Ministry isn't about me. I've only been here 9 months. And I have two more years in seminary before I can even think about taking on something full-time. I just get impatient...

live from Memphis

I've been at the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship meeting in Memphis since Wednesday, and it's been quite an experience. This is my first national convention, so I wasn't sure what to expect. But I've run into several people that I know from various parts of my life (one remembered me when I was a PASSPORTkids staffer two years ago!), so it's fun to make those connections again. I'm not really into the political side of Baptist life, so I haven't been attending the business sessions, just the breakouts and worship. Perhaps I should care more about it. But it's given me time to explore the downtown area with friends - and yes, I've been to Beale Street :o)

More thoughts on it after I return to the East Coast.

And yes, the ribs here are AMAZING.

Women in ministry

This is worth reading. It's a blog post picked up by Ethics Daily talking about women in ministry.

Yes, we have come a long way. My aunt was one of those twenty or so years ago who first began breaking this "glass ceiling" of women in ministry. But unfortunately, it is still an issue in many churches. I'm all about picking your battles, but this is an area where I cannot stay silent. This is one that is worth the fight. As a woman looking to enter the ministry, I am very sensitive to this topic. It's tough for women to find churches where they are welcome and respected as ministers. I am fortunate to be in a place where I am; many are still fighting for equal respect. And that's not right.

I could go on and on about this, but I'll step off my soapbox right now and let the article speak for itself :o)

A smile moment

There's an elderly deacon at the church who calls every day to see who's in the hospital, so he can go visit them. We always have a nice little conversation - he's such a sweet man. Today before he hung up, he said to me, "You always look so nice when you're standing up there at the pulpit."

Now, who doesn't love a compliment? But the fact that he said, "when you're at the pulpit," and not just "on the podium," really meant a lot to me. The fact that he sees the pulpit as a place where I am fully welcome and allowed to stand and speak...it's a great thing. And it gives me more hope as this church more and more comes to recognize me not just as support staff, but as a minister.

environmentally friendly bombs?

So a friend told me about this today: Environmentally Friendly Bombs Planned

I'm sorry, but is that not the biggest oxymoron ever? Here's what it says to me: "Let's bomb people; but it's okay, because it won't hurt the environment."

I mean, I understand that nuclear bombs and such can really cause damage to the entire ecosystem. But do the human lives lost in those bombs not count?

What a world we live in.