recap from the week...

I had several moments this week that I wanted to blog about...but haven't been motivated to do so until now. So here's a glance at the past week...
**********************
Last Sunday I preached at a small church plant in my college town. I'm good friends with the pastor; he's taking some time off to recover from surgery. I talked about Jacob's ladder, and made a few passing comments about the stone with oil that Jacob set up after his encounter with God.

Later in the service, the pastor's 6-year-old son came up to me, pointed to the communion supplies (a loaf of bread and cup of juice), and whispered, "The bread can be the stone, and the juice can be the oil!" I'm sure there's something theologically deep in that statement...but how precious that he picked up on that.
**********************
Tuesday I spent the day with the middle schoolers at a local theme park. It was so much fun to just run around the park with them; they were thrilled about the fact that I would ride all the rides. A few even specially requested that I sit next to them. And I got a glimpse at what relational ministry is all about...hopefully my job will allow for more of that. :o)
**********************
Wednesday the boyfriend and I went to the "Jesus for President" Tour, led by Shane Claiborne and his friends. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was a really cool experience. Thought-provoking, fun, and very memorable. Boyfriend was blown away. Good times all around.
**********************
And this morning I preached at my old church, where I attended since I was 5. The pastor is in Europe for the BWA Youth conference, so he called me in to preach. I was a bit nervous about preaching where I grew up (because who takes you seriously in your hometown?). I think the sermon went well at both services; it's a bit more challenging than some people might have expected. I got a lot of "We're so proud of you" and "Great job" comments; part of me wonders if they were referring to the sermon itself, or just amused by the fact that their "little girl" is all grown up and preaching. But a few people did say some heart-felt things.

It's a bit selfish, really, wanting good feedback from a sermon. I want to know it reached people; I want to know it made a difference; I want the credit. Very selfish. We're not called to preach for our own glory, but for God's. Yet at the same time, as a growing minister and someone who doesn't have a lot of experience, that feedback means a lot to me to know if I am following the right path.

Did my sermon touch anyone? Will it make a difference? I may never know. But I preached what I felt led to preach, and I have to be satisfied with that.

new paper!

Our new bulletin paper came in today. I know, that's kinda boring stuff to hear...but we've had a new minister come on staff, so it was time to update the bulletin cover where we list all the ministers on staff. But now listed along with the other ministers is...me.

Holy crap, I'm on the bulletin cover. Bottom of the list, "Children's Ministry Assistant." The senior pastor decided I needed to be listed with the rest of the staff. And it's exciting :o)

There's something special about seeing your name in print. It solidifies things, makes them feel concrete and real. It shows other people recognize you as well, and acknowledge your presence and calling. I get so excited about the small steps in ministry, the little things that show I'm growing in this position. So now I'm official, right there in black and white (er, blue and gray) with the guys.

kickin' off the heels

Starting tomorrow, our sanctuary ceiling is undergoing asbestos abatement. For the next two months, we will be worshiping in the fellowship hall while the ceiling is replaced. So, today we had to clean out the sanctuary. Following the service/picnic/band concert, staff and members lugged out the pew cushions, hymnals, Bibles, and chairs.

Not one to be left out, I kicked off my heels and worked right along side them all. One man from the choir yelled out, "Watch out, it's a country girl!" Another commented on how I was showing off my muscles.

Most of these people only see me on Sunday morning, where I'm dressed up and leading the kids. So it was fun for me to show the other side of me...the "country girl" who isn't afraid to get down and dirty with a little hard work.

How often are we afraid to get our hands dirty (both metaphorically and literally)? I get tired of the polished face we put on Christianity and the church - because following Jesus is anything but nice and put together. I love our respectful, traditional worship services...but it shouldn't end there. True worship - true faith - is lived out in the day to day, in the dirt and the mess and rubble of our lives.

Perhaps we all need some lessons in kicking off our heels in church.

job thoughts

So I'm back on the East Coast after my whirlwind vacation/conference in Memphis. It really was a fun time, and I got to see a variety of people. And I'm bursting with ideas for the children's ministry...

A struggle I've been having recently (well, really this entire year) is figuring out my place in my job. As the "ministry assistant," I don't have a lot of specific duties. Make the bulletins and newsletters, check. Help with kids stuff, check. And "other duties as assigned."

The thing is, it can vary from week to week. I have periods where I have so much responsibility and am doing so much! Then I have weeks when I feel like I'm just a secretary taking care of the crap no one else wants to do. I mean, I'm gaining a ton of experience and learning a lot from working with these guys, but I wish I could do more on the ministry side! I feel like I have so many great ideas, but I don't always feel like I have the freedom to take them on.

Here's some of the thoughts in my brain: I want to be a minister - and I am in some regards - but in many regards I'm not old enough - but who said age was important - I need to do my best regardless of where I am - but what if people just restrict me to that niche and don't give me a chance outside of it - but I don't want to take on more than I can handle and burn out - but I want to be taken seriously - but don't people already take me seriously?

I feel like I need to work on my humility. And patience. Ministry isn't about me. I've only been here 9 months. And I have two more years in seminary before I can even think about taking on something full-time. I just get impatient...

Women in ministry

This is worth reading. It's a blog post picked up by Ethics Daily talking about women in ministry.

Yes, we have come a long way. My aunt was one of those twenty or so years ago who first began breaking this "glass ceiling" of women in ministry. But unfortunately, it is still an issue in many churches. I'm all about picking your battles, but this is an area where I cannot stay silent. This is one that is worth the fight. As a woman looking to enter the ministry, I am very sensitive to this topic. It's tough for women to find churches where they are welcome and respected as ministers. I am fortunate to be in a place where I am; many are still fighting for equal respect. And that's not right.

I could go on and on about this, but I'll step off my soapbox right now and let the article speak for itself :o)

A smile moment

There's an elderly deacon at the church who calls every day to see who's in the hospital, so he can go visit them. We always have a nice little conversation - he's such a sweet man. Today before he hung up, he said to me, "You always look so nice when you're standing up there at the pulpit."

Now, who doesn't love a compliment? But the fact that he said, "when you're at the pulpit," and not just "on the podium," really meant a lot to me. The fact that he sees the pulpit as a place where I am fully welcome and allowed to stand and speak...it's a great thing. And it gives me more hope as this church more and more comes to recognize me not just as support staff, but as a minister.

when I grow up...

Today in children's church, we talked about the priesthood of all believers. Well, we never used that phrase, but basically we talked about how everyone is a minister. At one point, the children's minister had them all close their eyes and imagine what things they might want to do in the church when they get older. There were a variety of responses. But one little girl, who comes with her neighbors, raised her hand and said "I want to be a pastor."

Now, I don't know if you can discern a call at that age. But the fact that that little girl didn't think twice about it being a possibility, had no problem saying that, and that no one raised their hand to respond saying that she couldn't do it...that's something. I was so proud of her. That makes me feel good about our ministry, and where this church is (hopefully) going...

I forget about "the bubble"

We had our spring lecture series at my seminary this week. Jonathan Wilson-Hargrave and Ann Atwater shared the platform as they discussed issues of race and church. (How appropriate, considering recent events that have made headlines). It's led to some good discussions among people about race and our faith, the need for conversations and reconciliations across the color lines. It's been a topic that I have been thinking about for a while, so it's nice to talk with others who share that line of thinking.

Then I went to my hometown to get my hair cut. (Note: my hometown is...Southern. And conservative). I love my hairdresser; she's a sweet woman from the church I grew up in. Well, she asked me what I thought about all this presidential stuff. In my head, I thought, "Crap." I talked about how it's a shame all these things are making headlines and that the candidates are picking on each other. She managed to work the Obama/Wright issue into the conversation. Apparently, his choice to attend that church is a bad decision, and makes her doubt that he can make good choices for our country. She also doesn't realize why "they" always want to talk about slavery, because she didn't have anything to do with it, and "they" have it good now.

The discussions reminded me that not everyone thinks the way that I do, sees the same things that I do. I (gently) tried to share how I thought the conversations about race are important, because the issues have never been addressed publicly. I don't know if she ever agreed with me, but she was respectful of my opinion.

That's the thing about the seminary bubble. I can have good conversations with people who think like me, but what about out there, in the churches? Chances are good that there will be people who don't think like me. I can't vilify or trash-talk them, because they, too, are worthy of respect and love. As my own beliefs and opinions are changing, how do I effectively live them out while still embracing those who may not agree with me?

This is one of those things I can't take a class on. It comes from interacting with the more conservative people in my classes; from having conversations like the one with my hairdresser; from learning maturity in how to deal with these issues with grace. And it's flat out annoying and awkward at times...but it is necessary.

Maundy Thursday

Tonight was one of the most stressful moments of my job thus far.

We had our Maundy Thursday service, and I found myself playing a huge role in it. Wearing a robe. Processing in with the ministers. Praying. Serving communion (first time for me ever). Reading scripture. Extinguishing candles. Singing a solo (my first total solo since elementary school).

I forget sometimes that I'm only 22. At school and at work, I'm around people older than me, so I start to equate myself with them. But there are elements of experience that I just don't have yet, because I am so young. And I forget that, until random moments like today remind me of my young age and inexperience.

At some point right before the service started, it all hit me. The seriousness of everything that I was doing (and the seriousness of the service itself). A lot of personal firsts, all thrown into one service. So I was a bundle of nerves the entire time, which made my solo a little weak.

I got through it, and it went well, other than the weak solo. But still...it was stressful. Hopefully this stuff gets easier with time...because if I end up in church ministry, I'll be doing stuff like this a lot more often...

church membership

I changed my church membership yesterday. A slightly scary thing. I've only been the member of one church in my hometown, but after taking this part-time position at another church, I've felt the need to commit fully and transfer membership. It's more symbolic than anything else, as I continue to fight my distrust of working in a church setting. To give you an idea of how I was feeling...I think I was more nervous about going forward on Sunday than I was on opening night of Godspell.

But if I am going into church ministry, then this is something I'll have to get used to - committing to a church, but then moving on as the Spirit leads. So I did it. And the church members were very happy for me, which made me feel better about it. In fact, several didn't realize I wasn't a member yet. And we'll see what happens next...

In other news...as Godspell comes to a conclusion this weekend, I will be doing a lot of decompressing about the experience, some of which I hope to share on this blog. So stay tuned...

an odd way to celebrate

In celebration of completing our first semester at seminary, a few of us rented Jesus Camp to watch. We'd all heard about it and felt the need to watch it for ourselves. For those who don't know, Jesus Camp is a documentary focusing on an Evangelical camp for children that trains them to be "soldiers for Christ." Praying in tongues, uncontrollable sobbing...it's all there. And it scared me.

These kids are being indoctrinated. They're spitting out phrases that they don't even understand, just repeating them because someone told them to. They're being told to support certain movements and certain political leaders (yes, they prayed over a cardboard cutout of Bush). It's fundamentalism at its worst. I saw pieces of my conservative background in it, but my younger years were never that extreme. And it scared me to see that groups like that are out there pushing their beliefs onto the next generation.

It made me realize how much of a responsibility I hold in my own position working with kids. I sat through the entire movie thinking, "I don't want to be like that children's minister." And theologically, I know I will never be. But at the same time, I don't want to force my "moderate/liberal" beliefs on them. Indoctrination is wrong, no matter which side it comes from. I want to teach my kids (the ones I work with) to examine things for themselves, to make their own decisions about what they want to believe. I don't want to hand them a message tied up with a nice little bow. I want them to think. And yes, they're kids, so they're thinking only goes so deep. But you'd be surprised about what kids come up with when they have the freedom to think for themselves and work things out. My summer at PASSPORT, I felt like the programs did a good job of empowering the kids to think, and I want to incorporate more of that into what we do within our children's ministry.

I'm just not sure what the appropriate balance is for that openness. And we have to deal with short attention spans...and wide age ranges...and various maturity levels...and a lack of good resources...

Definitely something for me to ponder as I continue in this ministry position...

coffee shop thoughts

So here I sit, in my favorite college coffee shop which now has free wireless. Had this happened when I was still in undergrad...I would have gone broke. Haha!

It's been a good visit up here with people...reconnecting, catching up, etc. Some good conversations...but difficult ones as well.

Last night, I went to Friday night fellowship with a group that I really got close to while in undergrad. A true community that got me through so much. And it was there that I was able to be honest about the fact that I'm struggling. But they also had some tough love for me - warnings about what to do/not to do. Because seminary is hard on all levels, and several of them have been there and done that. And this life that I've been called to, whatever it might be, will be hard. And it's so important to have a community that can support me though this...but I just haven't found one in seminary yet. Honestly, I'm still kinda reeling from the advice that was given to me...

But I did have a moment of enlightenment. In South Africa, my life was completely integrated. Work, community, faith were all intertwined...that's what happens when you live on the church grounds! But that's also the way the culture is; it takes on a much more holistic perspective, like many other places abroad. And I think that's the way things were meant to be. Not in America. We compartmentalize and divide things, many times for our own protection. So one of the reasons I've been struggling so much is that I've been yearning for that integrated life, but haven't found it, because it doesn't exist here. It can't exist here. I can't wrap up my faith life in my church job, because I won't be there forever, or (God forbid) they might burn me. I can't rely on institutions to be my community, though I might be able to find community in the midst of them.

So where the hell do I find that community?

I hate feeling like I need to protect myself, to not allow myself to get too attached. I feel detached already, and I'm tired of feeling that way. Ministry is a difficult thing - your job and your personal faith are so intertwined, and it's so interpersonal, but you still have to maintain your distance. And the job doesn't stop when you go home.

And I'm going to spend the rest of my life like this?

A good weekend

Mini-road trip on Friday...so good to swap experiences, walk down familiar streets, hear the laughter, share in those lives again. I was deliberate about seeking out people to meet up with...I wasn't ready for a complete reunion with everyone. Some wounds still healing over...

Then a last-minute invitation to a great party. Old and new friends together, and I felt a little more at home in this place that is still so foreign in so many ways.

***************************************

This morning, a little girl gave me a card. Her family hadn't been to church in a couple years, and started coming back last week. It was homemade, and said "Thank you for the morning songs" with a picture of a piano (I play the piano for an opening music time we have with all the kids). Second week there, and she thought enough of me to make me a card. I almost cried. Then the kids in children's church made pictures of their favorite things about church, and another relatively new girl drew me as part of hers, along with music and something else. I was filling in on piano today, so I wasn't even down there with them. But she still thought of me.

It really impacted me. I don't know these girls very well (when you're trying to just contain the chaos, it's hard to build relationships!), but they know me. And I'm having some impact on their lives and their church experiences. Sweet gestures that remind me of how important my presence and participation is when I'm at work...ministering to them.

It's becoming less of a job and more of a ministry...

hope

The joy of my day yesterday came in the form of a six-year-old named Dylan. We had quite the conversation before our opening SS time. Then, when I walked into his class to help out, he shouted, "Energetic Erin!" (remnant from the name game a few weeks ago at children's church) He was completely wired! About 15 minutes later, he proceeded to lose a (very loose) tooth after purposely hitting himself in the face, all with dramatic flair. The teacher and I couldn't help but laugh at his shenanigans.

It's the naughty ones that always steal my heart :o)

I've noticed that the children's minister that I'm helping has made some changes in his approaches in working with the kids and working with me. I've made a few comments about the lack of respect the kids have been showing, and he's taken a firmer stance with them if they get out of hand. He's also been making lists of things for me to do/know, which (a) keeps him a little more organized, (b) helps my task-oriented personality, and (c) helps me to see his train of thought and what his plans are in the long run. I should thank him, because it helps me a lot.

the journey

A wise man once told me, "In ministry, there is no settling." Settling as in settling down, staying in one place.

And at this moment, that thought terrifies me. Thinking about my call to ministry, where I might be called next. God called Abraham to just pack up and leave, and he followed. The Israelites kept walking towards that promised land, for 40 years! I can understand why they wanted to turn back...it's safer, more comfortable, being in a place you know with people you know.

It's difficult...a lot of what I see as important in ministry and in my faith journey is relational. Relationships with others, being the body of Christ, building up a community. But if I'm always having to say goodbye, why invest myself in the first place?

I know, I know...relationships are beneficial and meaningful, no matter how long they last. And I shouldn't let the potential of leaving take away from developing them in the here and now. It's just...when you leave a piece of your heart in each place...at some point don't you run out of pieces to give out?

Intellectually, I understand it all. And I can see how God uses every step of the journey. But sometimes...I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

Whoever says ministry is easy is lying.

(Granted, this post is very mood-oriented...next week I may be thrilled about the adventure of so many different things...)

thoughts on church ministry

I'm realizing a few things about church ministry. First, since I'm working with the kids, I don't get to go to a Sunday School class, hear a sermon, or go to a Bible study. Theoretically, I'm in seminary classes and therefore talking about faith-type things all the time...but it's more of an academic look. Not to put down the academic side...it can be very beneficial for my personal understanding and growth in my faith. But...I still need that community learning aspect outside the classroom.

I'm making a point to attend chapel at least once a week, solely so I can sit in a service and listen and not worry about doing something or being somewhere or making sure something goes correctly. I really need to be conscious of keeping the aspect of spiritual development a part of my life, both individually and in some form of community. But where, and when, and how?

It's the continual question...who ministers to the minister? I haven't figured that out yet...

first Sunday reflections...

I walked into children's church today for the first time, never having met the kids before. Nathan introduced me, and one girl said, "You were a counselor at camp, and you've stayed at my house." (Both statements were true; last year I led a BS group for a youth retreat weekend, and we were at her house). Another said, "Yeah, didn't you have long hair at camp?"

Ummm, that was a year ago. And they remembered me?!?! I forget how much children absorb and remember, and how much more responsibility that gives me, as someone who will be working with them. And I had a flashback to this summer, where I would see Elami and some of the girls scold the others using the exact same words, tone, and hand motions that I did. Even at age 3!! It is a sobering realization, with a heavy implication.

The new church is sweet. The people are sweet. But it's hard to know exactly what my spot is. I won't have a consistent job on Sunday mornings, just filling in wherever I'm needed. Which is cool and all. But it's a new place with new people and new kids, and I haven't fully claimed it as my own yet, so I have a hard time just jumping in and doing stuff. It's an odd feeling. I did a lot of observing, trying to get a grasp of what this place is about, and what my place is in it.

In many ways, it's South Africa all over again. Fortunately there's no language barrier, but I've just kinda been thrown in to this thing not fully knowing what's going on or what I'm doing, though others seem to assume that I know. And I know that I'll adapt and figure the place out (it took less than 2 months to feel at home in SA), but it will just take time. And with all the other changes going on in my life right now, it's just a lot. When classes start, it will be better because I will have a set schedule. I like schedules and the consistency they bring. I need that type of structure, because then I can better determine how I can best spend my time.

she works hard for the money...

I have a job. It's a wonderful and scary feeling all at once. So many questions...Will it be enough money? Will the commute eat up my salary? Will I be able to do a good job? Will I be able to learn everyone's names? Will I add to the ministry? Will we all be able to work together? Will I get burned out? Will I be able to connect with people?

I need to trust God with all of this. He's called me to this position; I need to follow and trust in His plan and His power.