coffee shop thoughts

So here I sit, in my favorite college coffee shop which now has free wireless. Had this happened when I was still in undergrad...I would have gone broke. Haha!

It's been a good visit up here with people...reconnecting, catching up, etc. Some good conversations...but difficult ones as well.

Last night, I went to Friday night fellowship with a group that I really got close to while in undergrad. A true community that got me through so much. And it was there that I was able to be honest about the fact that I'm struggling. But they also had some tough love for me - warnings about what to do/not to do. Because seminary is hard on all levels, and several of them have been there and done that. And this life that I've been called to, whatever it might be, will be hard. And it's so important to have a community that can support me though this...but I just haven't found one in seminary yet. Honestly, I'm still kinda reeling from the advice that was given to me...

But I did have a moment of enlightenment. In South Africa, my life was completely integrated. Work, community, faith were all intertwined...that's what happens when you live on the church grounds! But that's also the way the culture is; it takes on a much more holistic perspective, like many other places abroad. And I think that's the way things were meant to be. Not in America. We compartmentalize and divide things, many times for our own protection. So one of the reasons I've been struggling so much is that I've been yearning for that integrated life, but haven't found it, because it doesn't exist here. It can't exist here. I can't wrap up my faith life in my church job, because I won't be there forever, or (God forbid) they might burn me. I can't rely on institutions to be my community, though I might be able to find community in the midst of them.

So where the hell do I find that community?

I hate feeling like I need to protect myself, to not allow myself to get too attached. I feel detached already, and I'm tired of feeling that way. Ministry is a difficult thing - your job and your personal faith are so intertwined, and it's so interpersonal, but you still have to maintain your distance. And the job doesn't stop when you go home.

And I'm going to spend the rest of my life like this?