first Sunday reflections...

I walked into children's church today for the first time, never having met the kids before. Nathan introduced me, and one girl said, "You were a counselor at camp, and you've stayed at my house." (Both statements were true; last year I led a BS group for a youth retreat weekend, and we were at her house). Another said, "Yeah, didn't you have long hair at camp?"

Ummm, that was a year ago. And they remembered me?!?! I forget how much children absorb and remember, and how much more responsibility that gives me, as someone who will be working with them. And I had a flashback to this summer, where I would see Elami and some of the girls scold the others using the exact same words, tone, and hand motions that I did. Even at age 3!! It is a sobering realization, with a heavy implication.

The new church is sweet. The people are sweet. But it's hard to know exactly what my spot is. I won't have a consistent job on Sunday mornings, just filling in wherever I'm needed. Which is cool and all. But it's a new place with new people and new kids, and I haven't fully claimed it as my own yet, so I have a hard time just jumping in and doing stuff. It's an odd feeling. I did a lot of observing, trying to get a grasp of what this place is about, and what my place is in it.

In many ways, it's South Africa all over again. Fortunately there's no language barrier, but I've just kinda been thrown in to this thing not fully knowing what's going on or what I'm doing, though others seem to assume that I know. And I know that I'll adapt and figure the place out (it took less than 2 months to feel at home in SA), but it will just take time. And with all the other changes going on in my life right now, it's just a lot. When classes start, it will be better because I will have a set schedule. I like schedules and the consistency they bring. I need that type of structure, because then I can better determine how I can best spend my time.

the current is strong...

Right now I feel like my life is flying at 200 mph, and it's all I can do to keep up with it.

New job. New church. New apartment. New school. New hair. New body. New clothes. New memories. New marriages. New life.

Holy crap. How did I get to this point? I barely have time to breathe and process now.

Did South Africa really happen? Was it just a dream? But I look back at those pictures, at those faces, and I fall in love again...

Is this normal for the real world? Or is this just my crazy life?

God, I need You to help me through this. I need You to hold me. I need You to keep me afloat. I need You to be my vision.

liminality...

Re-entry after an experience in a foreign country is interesting.

There's about a week of the "honeymoon," where you're excited to see everyone and they're excited to see you. You catch up with people and swap stories.

Then the excitement wears off. And you still feel different. Because while you were out there having your adventures, they were doing their own things. Relationships have changed; common bonds have been formed by common experiences. But you haven't had that common experience, so you feel a gap. Plus, you've been changed by your own time away, and it can be hard trying to get back into "normal life," because for you, there really is no such thing as normal again. And let's not forget reverse culture shock.

Plus there are so many changes going on in my life right now, it's hard to absorb it all. It's an odd place to be in right now...very much in a liminal state.

she works hard for the money...

I have a job. It's a wonderful and scary feeling all at once. So many questions...Will it be enough money? Will the commute eat up my salary? Will I be able to do a good job? Will I be able to learn everyone's names? Will I add to the ministry? Will we all be able to work together? Will I get burned out? Will I be able to connect with people?

I need to trust God with all of this. He's called me to this position; I need to follow and trust in His plan and His power.

I feel the need to start up another blog, a different blog. I needed something new, something beyond LiveJournal. So, here I am.

Tonight I had two very opposite experiences. First, I was attacked by a child with special needs. It wasn't just to be mean; he needed to express something but couldn't find the language to do it with. So, he scratched me. Hard. And it really hurt. And it gave me a flashback to my first couple of days in South Africa, when the kids were hitting and biting and pinching me. What made this situation worse was the fact that I grabbed his wrist to stop him, not knowing that it was bruised and swollen. He dissolved into tears, and I felt awful, even though it wasn't my fault and did not intentionally hurt him. I was in shock, and it almost made me cry. Part of that is this emotional instability I have right now from reverse culture shock, but it's hurtful when you're doing your best to love and serve a child and they react with violence.

Then going out to the car tonight, I took off my flip flops so I wouldn't slip in the rain. And there was something comforting in the warm water on the pavement beneath my feet. Part of me wanted to take down my umbrella and just let the drops fall all over me, wash me away. I watched the mist rise up as the cool drops hit the warm pavement, and I was filled with a sense of wonder and awe. An awareness of God in some way that I can't fully express.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast."
(Ps. 139:9-10)

This has become my personal promise, my life verse, my security.