between the lines...

grief

2008-11-08T14:14:00.003-05:00

Grief is a foreign concept for me. I recognize that people grieve, and have experienced loss of different kinds in my life. But I've never had to face the death of someone I was close to.

My boyfriend's grandmother passed away Thursday morning, suddenly. He is grieving. And I am grieving with him.

It's odd, to grieve for someone you never met. Yet he was so close to her, and I am so close to him, that I am grieving...for him, and with him. I feel guilty to insert my emotions into the situation...but I can't help it.

After a mini-breakdown in class, I had a long talk with my favorite professor. He talked about how the mind and brain are two different things and how we can't figure out the connection between the two. Many things that I don't remember, but it was comforting in some way. And at the end, he said, "Let yourself cry. Let yourself feel. It's okay."

Words I needed to hear.

it's a small world after all

2008-11-03T15:27:00.002-05:00

The other night, I was celebrating a friend's birthday, and was introduced to one of his friends from PASSPORT that he worked with several years ago. She seemed really familiar.

I asked her when and where she worked. One of her years was Wingate 02, my first year as a camper.

She was my Bible study leader.

Now we're both PASSPORT staff alumni, and have some of the same friends. Funny how small the world can be sometimes.

***********
In other news...I'm recovering after our Fall Festival, which over 600 people came to. I'm a bit sad that most of the congregation doesn't realize I did most of the planning for this event. I'm ready for the election to be over (and excited about all the options of free food on election day!). And I'm frustrated by people who like to do things at the last minute and expect me to switch around my entire schedule for them.

2008-10-23T19:44:00.003-04:00

Well, I came to the realization that it has been quite a while since I updated this thing.

First there was school and work, which had me running around like crazy. Then came the mono, which put an end to all running around and reduced me to a moss-covered log who laid in bed and watched TLC all day. The past 3-4 weeks have consisted of me trying to get better and do everything I can without exhausting myself.

Good news is, I'm almost post-mono. Bad news is, my endurance is gone. Seems my body has gotten used to lying around all the time and sleeping for a minimum of 8 hours a day. Where has that running girl gone? I can't find her.

Having mono basically gave me a "forced sabbatical," which I did not want. I am fortunate to have professors who care about me and tell me, "your health comes first; the work can wait." My coworkers, too, have taken on extra loads so I can rest. It's a slight blow to your pride when you realize the world can continue to run without you. But it's true. I am just so blessed to have so many people who wanted to make sure I was recovering properly.

I'm back at work and class now, and minus a few papers that will be completed at a later date, I'm almost feeling normal again. I'm a bit sad that I've missed October; weather-wise, it's a beautiful month. Oh well.

So now that the mono is almost gone, perhaps I'll write on this thing a bit more. I do have ideas and observations about things, and hopefully I'll start recording them more.

9/11

2008-09-11T10:08:00.004-04:00

I acknowledge that this is a solemn day. I was a junior in high school, blissfully unaware while sitting in my precalculus class. It wasn't until I got to Spanish that I heard the news, and saw the pictures. It all looked so surreal - I thought it was a scene from Independence Day. The principal made us turn off the televisions, and few of my teachers wanted to talk about it. I still remember that Mrs. Yohe helped calm down our fears, and Mr. McDonald actually talked about the facts with us. Everyone else didn't seem to acknowledge that it happened, instead wanting to know why we hadn't finished our homework. We walked around the halls in a daze, not able to comprehend it all.

It was a terrible day.

There's a well-written article on Ethics Daily that is worth reading. It gives a different and much-needed view on this day. While in no way does it take away the reality of the events seven years ago or lessen the gravity of the situation, it does provide a broader perspective...

Nothing brings about a good random post...

2008-08-31T15:08:00.002-04:00

...like the need to write/finish a sermon.

Yes, I am preaching the new student orientation chapel on Tuesday; thus, I am updating my slightly neglected blog.

Today in children's church we talked about Moses and the burning bush. To get the kids thinking about the story, I got them to imagine how they would feel if they were Moses at certain parts of the story, and show me with their facial expressions. When I first mentioned the bush, most had looks of fear. But one boy in the back had a big grin on his face. I asked him why, and he said, "I could roast marshmellows over it!"

Roasting marshmellows over the burning bush. Good one, kid :o)

"it's a rainforest adventure...a tree top Bible blast!"

2008-08-19T08:31:00.006-04:00

I've been neglecting this blog a bit...so much to write about, and no time to write! But here's a little something...

Yesterday was my birthday. And what better way to spend your birthday than have the opening night of VBS?

Yes, I worked on my birthday. A lot. But it actually ended up being a really good day.

The reason for my post? To showcase some of the AMAZING VBS decorations that we have this year. Our theme is "Rainforest Adventure," and a few of our ladies have transformed the fellowship hall into an actual rainforest...

The entrance

The registration area

The cave to get to the rain forest

The rain forest!

And I didn't even post pictures of everything...isn't it awesome?!? So creative, and so under budget!! Guess who I'm recruiting for fall festival decorations this year... ;o)

a full year in the states

2008-08-02T15:42:00.003-04:00

It has been a full year since I returned from South Africa. Wow.

So much has happened in the past year that it seems like a lifetime ago. Yet I still remember the faces and the voices and the places so clearly.

My time in Johannesburg changed me. A lot. And through that experience and the processing afterwards (the processing that still continues today), I've realized a lot about myself and life in general...

*I have no fear of traveling now. Go on a mission trip overseas? Okay! I have a comfort level in other cultures and among other peoples.
*I require introvert time, even if it's just a nap. Though I love people and I love new situations, I get overwhelmed when I don't have a chance to take a break and be by myself for a little bit.
*Shower time = sacred time. No shower = a big adjustment.
*Germs? What germs?
*I am a selfish person who doesn't fully appreciate everything she has.
*I have the tendency to shut myself off emotionally and distance myself from others. This can prevent building relationships with others and truly ministering to them.
*I adore children. Even if they're naughty.
*Some of the most sacred moments come out of the most ordinary things.
*Laughter can bridge any cultural or language barrier.
*No amount of training or education can ever teach you to love fully and unconditionally. That's just something you have to learn on your own.
*Communication with those you love is incredibly important.
*You can cook almost anything in a skillet.
*Massive amounts of food are overrated. Yet we in America succumb to it every day.
*High fructose corn syrup is gross.
*Transition is very very difficult. And it's okay to admit that.
*I still miss it. A lot. Even though I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now.
*Missions isn't about bringing Christ to others. It's about going to others, loving them, and recognizing how Christ is already in their midst.
*Ministry is where my heart is.

recap from the week...

2008-07-27T18:52:00.002-04:00

I had several moments this week that I wanted to blog about...but haven't been motivated to do so until now. So here's a glance at the past week...
**********************
Last Sunday I preached at a small church plant in my college town. I'm good friends with the pastor; he's taking some time off to recover from surgery. I talked about Jacob's ladder, and made a few passing comments about the stone with oil that Jacob set up after his encounter with God.

Later in the service, the pastor's 6-year-old son came up to me, pointed to the communion supplies (a loaf of bread and cup of juice), and whispered, "The bread can be the stone, and the juice can be the oil!" I'm sure there's something theologically deep in that statement...but how precious that he picked up on that.
**********************
Tuesday I spent the day with the middle schoolers at a local theme park. It was so much fun to just run around the park with them; they were thrilled about the fact that I would ride all the rides. A few even specially requested that I sit next to them. And I got a glimpse at what relational ministry is all about...hopefully my job will allow for more of that. :o)
**********************
Wednesday the boyfriend and I went to the "Jesus for President" Tour, led by Shane Claiborne and his friends. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was a really cool experience. Thought-provoking, fun, and very memorable. Boyfriend was blown away. Good times all around.
**********************
And this morning I preached at my old church, where I attended since I was 5. The pastor is in Europe for the BWA Youth conference, so he called me in to preach. I was a bit nervous about preaching where I grew up (because who takes you seriously in your hometown?). I think the sermon went well at both services; it's a bit more challenging than some people might have expected. I got a lot of "We're so proud of you" and "Great job" comments; part of me wonders if they were referring to the sermon itself, or just amused by the fact that their "little girl" is all grown up and preaching. But a few people did say some heart-felt things.

It's a bit selfish, really, wanting good feedback from a sermon. I want to know it reached people; I want to know it made a difference; I want the credit. Very selfish. We're not called to preach for our own glory, but for God's. Yet at the same time, as a growing minister and someone who doesn't have a lot of experience, that feedback means a lot to me to know if I am following the right path.

Did my sermon touch anyone? Will it make a difference? I may never know. But I preached what I felt led to preach, and I have to be satisfied with that.

interesting...

2008-07-21T15:03:00.003-04:00

In the light of the recent "open letter" drama regarding Cecil Sherman's remarks at the CBF convention, I felt the need to throw in my two cents, and pass along an interesting quote...

I do not condone the Holocaust remark. It is distasteful and wrong to use that as an analogy for the SBC takeover. However, Dr. Sherman is still worthy of great respect for the role he played in the formation of the CBF. You can't ask him to stop talking about it...the man lived it! And to write an "open letter" (which was not even sent first to Dr. Sherman) claiming to speak for all "young CBF members" (which it does not) that is signed by people who to my understanding are not even directly in ministerial positions in local churches (which helps one to see the complexity of how denominational life works)...it's a bit presumptuous. I have not had time to fully process the entire situation, but this is what I know:

I am a young CBF member. These people do not speak for me. Yes, the CBF needs to continue searching for a new direction, but to ignore the past is wrong. We cannot dwell in it, or continually rehash it, but it is important to learn from it. Why, you ask?

Well, just this afternoon, a quotation was passed along to me from a fellow minister. It's taken from a sermon last year preached by Colleen Burroughs at the CBFV General Assembly on March 10, 2007. I know that a husband and wife can have separate opinions, but given the recent events it caught my attention...

“If you are students or someone under the age of 30 in this room, you may be tired of hearing about your Baptist history, but it is important to understand how the people before us have lived. It’s important to know and understand with whom we have disagreed with as Baptists and why it has made people uncomfortable. You may think it has nothing to do with you, that it’s not your fight, but you would be wrong. It is woven into the very fabric of who you are as young Baptists.”

Just my two cents...

thank you, sir

2008-07-19T17:20:00.003-04:00

I drove out to my hometown today for a funeral (a sweet, sweet older man from my old church passed away suddenly after an unexpected stroke). While stopped at a stoplight, I was seized by a particularly vain and self-absorbed moment and started checking on my hair in the rearview mirror. (In my defense - I rarely straighten my hair in the summer, so I wanted to make sure it was still behaving itself).

Having finished, I glanced over at the car next to me, where a man with a cigarette in his hand was waving at me. When he saw he had my attention, he gave me a smile and a thumbs up, as if to say, "don't worry, you look good!" We both started laughing; the light turned green and we drove our separate ways.

But as I drove down the road, I continued to smile, for the small joy that man had brought to my life.

that movie everyone is talking about...

2008-07-18T22:37:00.003-04:00

Well, I hate to jump on the blog bandwagon, but I have to say it.

I saw The Dark Knight today with a friend. It was so intense, emotionally and psychologically. I've never been a big fan of the Batman series, but this movie may have won me over. It took on some great, complex themes with great depth, something I really appreciate. And it freaked me out just a bit (note: not a movie for young children!). But an excellent, excellent film, with great performances by all the cast. There's so much I want to write about, but I don't want to spoil for people, so I'll wait a bit...

Go see it. Right now. Yes, I'm talking to you!

very funny...

2008-07-13T18:19:00.002-04:00

A sweet family from church took the five community house girls out to eat at a Vietnamese restaurant last night. Vietnamese = amazing! We all had fortune cookies at the end, and this is what mine read:

There's no harm in putting all your eggs in one basket - just watch it closely.

Given my recent mental crises regarding plans for the future and how committed I should be to things right now...these are not the words I wanted to hear...

Good thing I don't really believe those things...

new paper!

2008-07-10T17:20:00.002-04:00

Our new bulletin paper came in today. I know, that's kinda boring stuff to hear...but we've had a new minister come on staff, so it was time to update the bulletin cover where we list all the ministers on staff. But now listed along with the other ministers is...me.

Holy crap, I'm on the bulletin cover. Bottom of the list, "Children's Ministry Assistant." The senior pastor decided I needed to be listed with the rest of the staff. And it's exciting :o)

There's something special about seeing your name in print. It solidifies things, makes them feel concrete and real. It shows other people recognize you as well, and acknowledge your presence and calling. I get so excited about the small steps in ministry, the little things that show I'm growing in this position. So now I'm official, right there in black and white (er, blue and gray) with the guys.

kickin' off the heels

2008-07-06T21:40:00.002-04:00

Starting tomorrow, our sanctuary ceiling is undergoing asbestos abatement. For the next two months, we will be worshiping in the fellowship hall while the ceiling is replaced. So, today we had to clean out the sanctuary. Following the service/picnic/band concert, staff and members lugged out the pew cushions, hymnals, Bibles, and chairs.

Not one to be left out, I kicked off my heels and worked right along side them all. One man from the choir yelled out, "Watch out, it's a country girl!" Another commented on how I was showing off my muscles.

Most of these people only see me on Sunday morning, where I'm dressed up and leading the kids. So it was fun for me to show the other side of me...the "country girl" who isn't afraid to get down and dirty with a little hard work.

How often are we afraid to get our hands dirty (both metaphorically and literally)? I get tired of the polished face we put on Christianity and the church - because following Jesus is anything but nice and put together. I love our respectful, traditional worship services...but it shouldn't end there. True worship - true faith - is lived out in the day to day, in the dirt and the mess and rubble of our lives.

Perhaps we all need some lessons in kicking off our heels in church.

God's will?

2008-06-29T21:20:00.003-04:00

You know, we make a really big deal about following God's will. Doing what God wants us to do. Somewhere along the way in my childhood, I took the idea of the "straight and narrow" a bit too literally and interpreted God's will as being this one particular path. And if I were to make the wrong decision and stray from that path...only bad things would happen.

Naturally, this caused quite a bit of anxiety with my decision-making. And it can cause me to second guess things in my life, always wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

Theologically, I don't agree with that anymore. But that way of thinking is ingrained in my thinking, and still pops up on occasion.

I've had to learn that sometimes, my choices are between good and good. And God can work through either situation. I still need to practice discernment, but I don't need to become so anxious about my decisions.

This really makes me reconsider how I address things like this when teaching children and youth. Yes, following God is difficult. But many times we complicate the situations in our minds, second guessing and stressing too much over making the right decision, as though life is a multiple choice test that we can fail. Perhaps it's more of an essay, that we write continuously, learning and processing and developing things as we go...

job thoughts

2008-06-23T14:19:00.003-04:00

So I'm back on the East Coast after my whirlwind vacation/conference in Memphis. It really was a fun time, and I got to see a variety of people. And I'm bursting with ideas for the children's ministry...

A struggle I've been having recently (well, really this entire year) is figuring out my place in my job. As the "ministry assistant," I don't have a lot of specific duties. Make the bulletins and newsletters, check. Help with kids stuff, check. And "other duties as assigned."

The thing is, it can vary from week to week. I have periods where I have so much responsibility and am doing so much! Then I have weeks when I feel like I'm just a secretary taking care of the crap no one else wants to do. I mean, I'm gaining a ton of experience and learning a lot from working with these guys, but I wish I could do more on the ministry side! I feel like I have so many great ideas, but I don't always feel like I have the freedom to take them on.

Here's some of the thoughts in my brain: I want to be a minister - and I am in some regards - but in many regards I'm not old enough - but who said age was important - I need to do my best regardless of where I am - but what if people just restrict me to that niche and don't give me a chance outside of it - but I don't want to take on more than I can handle and burn out - but I want to be taken seriously - but don't people already take me seriously?

I feel like I need to work on my humility. And patience. Ministry isn't about me. I've only been here 9 months. And I have two more years in seminary before I can even think about taking on something full-time. I just get impatient...

live from Memphis

2008-06-20T10:51:00.003-04:00

I've been at the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship meeting in Memphis since Wednesday, and it's been quite an experience. This is my first national convention, so I wasn't sure what to expect. But I've run into several people that I know from various parts of my life (one remembered me when I was a PASSPORTkids staffer two years ago!), so it's fun to make those connections again. I'm not really into the political side of Baptist life, so I haven't been attending the business sessions, just the breakouts and worship. Perhaps I should care more about it. But it's given me time to explore the downtown area with friends - and yes, I've been to Beale Street :o)

More thoughts on it after I return to the East Coast.

And yes, the ribs here are AMAZING.

Women in ministry

2008-06-16T18:31:00.003-04:00

This is worth reading. It's a blog post picked up by Ethics Daily talking about women in ministry.

Yes, we have come a long way. My aunt was one of those twenty or so years ago who first began breaking this "glass ceiling" of women in ministry. But unfortunately, it is still an issue in many churches. I'm all about picking your battles, but this is an area where I cannot stay silent. This is one that is worth the fight. As a woman looking to enter the ministry, I am very sensitive to this topic. It's tough for women to find churches where they are welcome and respected as ministers. I am fortunate to be in a place where I am; many are still fighting for equal respect. And that's not right.

I could go on and on about this, but I'll step off my soapbox right now and let the article speak for itself :o)

A smile moment

2008-06-03T14:02:00.002-04:00

There's an elderly deacon at the church who calls every day to see who's in the hospital, so he can go visit them. We always have a nice little conversation - he's such a sweet man. Today before he hung up, he said to me, "You always look so nice when you're standing up there at the pulpit."

Now, who doesn't love a compliment? But the fact that he said, "when you're at the pulpit," and not just "on the podium," really meant a lot to me. The fact that he sees the pulpit as a place where I am fully welcome and allowed to stand and speak...it's a great thing. And it gives me more hope as this church more and more comes to recognize me not just as support staff, but as a minister.

environmentally friendly bombs?

2008-05-27T11:25:00.003-04:00

So a friend told me about this today: Environmentally Friendly Bombs Planned

I'm sorry, but is that not the biggest oxymoron ever? Here's what it says to me: "Let's bomb people; but it's okay, because it won't hurt the environment."

I mean, I understand that nuclear bombs and such can really cause damage to the entire ecosystem. But do the human lives lost in those bombs not count?

What a world we live in.

one year

2008-05-26T20:41:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how much can happen in one year.

This time last year, I was getting ready to go to South Africa, with no idea what I was getting in to. (more on the SA reflections in later posts).

Now, I have returned from there with a forever changed heart. Moved into an apartment...and now into a community house. Started working at a church and changed my membership. Traveled to El Salvador. Been in a musical. Made new friends. Started running. Said goodbye to a roommate and a good friend. Started *coughdatingsomeonecough*. Put a year of seminary under my belt. Discovered my love for both the church and the academic side of ministry. And through it all, learned a lot about myself, about God, and found new strength and confidence in it all, while realizing how much more I have to learn.

It's been quite a year. No wonder I'm exhausted now...is all of seminary like this? I think I need a break from all this change and transition...

heartbreak

2008-05-20T08:22:00.004-04:00

I was poking around on the BBC website yesterday morning when I saw this: Johannesburg Violence. My friend Amber, who is still over there, also gave an update on her blog about the situation.

Apparently, groups of black South Africans are rioting and attacking immigrants, blaming them for the widespread poverty, hunger, unemployment, and homelessness. My heart is breaking.

This is where I lived, where a part of my heart still is. I walked some of those streets, possibly saw some of those people. And though I can understand the frustration and anger behind these acts (feeling helpless about your economic situation, your survival) and the appeal of creating a scapegoat...it is horrible.

I hate that people are living in fear. I hate that the violence of a few is controlling the lives of so many. I hate that they are in such a hopeless situation. I hate that they feel there is nothing they can do but react in violence. I hate the inequality and oppression that still exists there. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

I fear for the women that I worked with. I fear for Joyce, who is an immigrant herself. I fear for the children, who have already been exposed to so much violence.

And this is on top of the growing casualty list in Myanmar and China. So much violence, death, destruction, all around the world. And I so desperately want God to just come down and make it all better. But that's not how God works. And so I continue to wrestle with my own heartbreak and anger over the suffering of so many innocent people.

race thoughts

2008-05-11T18:09:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was the annual Race for the Cure in Richmond. And for the first time, I ran in it. Yes, I ran a 5K. There were so many great things about it...

First, the actual running. It was so much fun to be out there with over 9000 other people, running and walking and all headed in the same direction. My friend Kate drove down to run with me, and it was great fun. At the 2.5 mark, the course turned into a half-mile hill...upwards, of course. I run in a flat neighborhood, and was not prepared for that at all. Halfway up the hill, I didn't think I would make it to the end without stopping (my goal for the race). I told Kate to go on without me, and she refused, telling me to keep running. And we kept running...straight to the finish line.

It was so nice to have that support, the encouragement to keep on going. Suddenly, all those passages in the Bible about running and races make more sense to me. I can understand the metaphors much more.

I also loved being a part of a greater cause with everyone else. Yes, we were all running, but it was all for breast cancer research. So many people were there in support of those who are fighting this disease, or in memory of those who have died from it. And though we can't cure it ourselves, we can stand there with those who have had to deal with it and be a support and encouragement for them.

when I grow up...

2008-05-04T15:20:00.004-04:00

Today in children's church, we talked about the priesthood of all believers. Well, we never used that phrase, but basically we talked about how everyone is a minister. At one point, the children's minister had them all close their eyes and imagine what things they might want to do in the church when they get older. There were a variety of responses. But one little girl, who comes with her neighbors, raised her hand and said "I want to be a pastor."

Now, I don't know if you can discern a call at that age. But the fact that that little girl didn't think twice about it being a possibility, had no problem saying that, and that no one raised their hand to respond saying that she couldn't do it...that's something. I was so proud of her. That makes me feel good about our ministry, and where this church is (hopefully) going...

no conclusion

2008-04-29T14:25:00.004-04:00

It's finals week. Thus, I'm blogging. Makes sense, right?

It seems as though the more I write papers, the less they tie up neatly. As I get deeper and deeper into different perspectives and difficult questions, I can explore but not fully answer. For example, here's a "conclusion" from a recent exegesis I wrote on a passage in Job:

No solid conclusion exists for the question of suffering and God’s presence. We do not understand why such injustices exist despite the characteristic of God as a liberator, yet it is not enough to cause Job or most of us to abandon such a belief. Ultimately, what we do know is this: God’s ways are higher than we can know or fully comprehend, which God’s response makes clear in the final chapters of the narrative. It is at this point where it is best to take the position of the wise, who fully acknowledged their own limited understanding, instead allowing a variety of voices to participate in the discussion. Though that did not stop them from contemplating and struggling with such topics, as we should, it also did not limit them to a stagnant and rigid system of theology regarding sin and suffering. As uncomfortable as it may be to have no clear answer, we are wise to follow suit.

Yet as I continue to learn and grow, I'm becoming more and more comfortable with the ambiguity. Of course, there is the danger of falling into the cop-out answer of "God is a mystery," which can become an excuse to not struggle and explore at all. But I must say that I enjoy the process of thinking and learning, despite the lack of solid answers. I've turned away from the need to fit everything in a neat little box, with all loose ends tied up. In the words of my OT professor (whom I will miss greatly): A coffin is a nice wrapped-up box. When we accept "solid" answers, we get rid of the room to change and grow, essentially stifling the Christian faith and making it dead. This is what turned me off from the Bible - the thought that it was a stagnant set of rules, an unchanging handbook for any and every situation. But if we really do believe that God is living and active, then we are willing to let the ambiguities and contradictions remain, knowing that interpretations and perspectives will change over time. They have before, and they will continue to do so.

revival?

2008-04-20T22:47:00.004-04:00

In studying for my Christian Traditions test (meaning that I'm finally reading the textbooks), I came across the observation that the Great Awakenings have left an expectation of revival within the American religious tradition. Having grown up in a quasi-southern church, I can definitely see that. We waited for that week of revival, went to the services and got emotionally charged up...then forgot about it all two weeks later. An endless cycle of waiting for that next "spiritual high," hoping that one day, it would stick.

But it also reminded me of a friend I had in college. A guy who was very passionate about his (relatively new) faith, and attended a charismatic church. We would talk about random things, and he would always ask me to pray for revival on our campus, for God to basically come down and make everyone a Christian. I always told him that that's not exactly how I word my prayers, because I don't think God acts in that way. He would usually respond with something about how I don't have enough faith because I don't think God has that kind of power.

I do think God is powerful. God can probably do whatever God wants. But God chooses to give us agency. God chooses to work with us, to have us help in whatever work is to be done. Call me a cynic, but I'm not so sure a widespread instantaneous revival (complete with the emotional reaction my friend desired) is what is best. Is that how the kingdom of God works? I can't help but think of the parables Jesus told. A tiny mustard seed that grows into the largest tree. A small amount of yeast worked into a batch of dough that causes the entire thing to rise. Not this massive, one-time event, but a continual process flowing out of our lived-out faith.

04.16.07

2008-04-16T23:20:00.003-04:00

Today marked the one-year anniversary of the Tech shootings. Being a Virginia native, and a college student at the time of the shootings, it impacted me, although I didn't directly know any of the victims. I still remember the shock when the death count suddenly increased from four to twenty. And the numbness of trying to process it all.

That night, my pastor had emergency gall bladder surgery, so I went to watch his four children while his wife went to be with him. Turns out the organ was filled to the brim with gangrene, and could have exploded and instantly killed him at any minute. It was therapeutic to take care of them, and just be around them and off campus for a bit. After they went to bed, I sat there and flipped through the channels, watching the various news reports. Wendy didn't get home until 11:30, and we spent the next hour just talking and processing everything. Those two events are forever entwined in my memory.

Later that week, we composed some responses in my creative writing class. Mine focused around the state-wide candlelight vigil held that Thursday night. I dug around on my computer and found it; figured it's worth sharing on this day.

***********************************

The words that pour out of my ink pen, that emerge from typing fingers, remain disjointed and emotional. Asking question after question, in search of some answer to make sense of everything.

But no matter what I write, nothing can be reversed. They are still gone. And my words seem to add to the constant talking.

Four days later, we stood there. Each holding a flickering candle, creating a glowing circle. Standing with those across the state. Remembering. Mourning.

In silence.

After four days of nonstop talk, of blaring televisions and flashing computer screens and ringing cell phones, we were silent. Even after being officially dismissed, we stood there, not wanting to break that moment.

One by one, a light would go out, and we would see a dark figure slowly walk away. Car doors would open and shut, engines would start, murmuring conversations would pass by. Each a reminder that though we stop to reflect and remember, life still goes on.

Why for me, and not for those who live on only in memory?

I cannot answer that question. I cannot answer any of the questions that continue to flood my mind.

But in those brief moments, I found a peace.

In silence.

Seeing the Other

2008-04-10T20:09:00.004-04:00

Well, today was the big day - preaching in chapel. I think it went well. Actually, I enjoyed preaching! I figured I'd post it here. It's a little more on the academic side (still figuring out the process of shifting from exegesis to sermon). Favorite moment afterwards: my OT professor said, "I feel like a proud mom." :o)

Genesis 21:8-21

It was June of last year. After 48 hours of being awake, half of which were spent on an airplane, I found myself in Johannesburg, South Africa, my home for the next two months. My reason for visiting – to volunteer at a daycare centre for underprivileged children at Troyeville Baptist Church. The pastor drove me to the church, where I met Nomalanga and her two children. I learned that I would be living on the church compound in a small house with them. There I was, a small town girl who had never been overseas before and with no idea what I was getting into. Now Nomalanga was a woman with a commanding presence, and a strict set of rules for the children she worked with at the centre. And She would yell at the children in rapid-fire Zulu. And even though I didn’t speak the language, I knew it wasn’t good news for them, and I would sit up just a little straighter to make sure that same speech wasn’t directed towards me. Honestly, I was a bit afraid of her, and wasn’t sure how we would live together. But over time, as we shared our living space and developed a friendship, I began to see the light she had in her. I heard the story of her past, and marveled at the strength she showed. I saw the love that she had for the children and for her church, and her dedication to the people around her. Some nights we would share stories about the children and laugh so hard that we could barely get the words out. Other nights we would watch TV in Zulu and she would explain them to me to make sure I was included. Sometimes, she would even cook for me. Those were good days. One night towards the end of my stay, I gave her a book that I had brought with me, to thank her for everything she had done. She replied, “You have been so humble. I didn't know what you would be like living here. I thought you might come in thinking you were better than everyone else, and wouldn't even sit next to us. But you proved me wrong.”

At that moment, my heart broke, not because I felt insulted, but because of her previous experiences that had caused her to have that expectation. And I felt guilty as well, remembering my initial judgment of her. Just as my first impression of her had been uncertain, so had been hers of me. I was a white American (therefore wealthy by most standards), and she was a poor black South African. Two women from two different worlds, encountering “the other.”

Psychologically, we have a need to label people as “the other.” It’s a part of how we define ourselves. I am this; I am not that. While sometimes this does not mean subjugation, more frequently we have the tendency to establish the other as inferior. Virginia Tech is a better school than UVA. Macs are better than PCs. Or how about that eternal schoolyard chant – my dad is bigger /smarter/ stronger /fill in the blank than your dad. And while these are all harmless rivalries, it becomes serious when they are carried out to an extreme. Suddenly walls are built; relationships are severed; and the seeds of oppression are sown. What is worse is when those divisions are built upon qualities such as nationality or socioeconomic status.

This brings us to our story today – the story of Hagar, the quintessential outsider. Who exactly is Hagar? She is first introduced in Genesis 16 as an Egyptian woman. She is not a part of the “chosen family,” but merely a servant. Even her name reflects her status: “ha-gur” in Hebrew means “the foreigner.” The other. Although she does become Abraham’s wife and bears him a son, Ishmael, they still remain outside the covenant which God made with Abraham. Yet, she is given two whole chapters in Genesis which tell her story. Why give her space in the text unless there is some significance? A closer look at the second part of her story in chapter 21 gives some insight into how God views the “outsider,” and consequently, how we should also treat those who are different or separate.

Our story in chapter 21 begins with a celebration. Isaac has made it to the age of being weaned from his mother. In a time where infant mortality ran high, reaching this age was incredibly significant, for it meant that Isaac would most likely be Abraham’s heir. Truly this is a great time within the household. However, things change dramatically when Sarah sees Ishmael, the son of Hagar, playing with Isaac. Scholars have interpreted this verse several ways. Some say that Sarah becomes jealous, seeing Ishmael so close to her own son. Others say that Ishmael actually is teasing or tormenting the young heir. Regardless of the action that takes place, Sarah decides that Ishmael should no longer be around, for fear that he may receive part of Isaac’s inheritance. However, her word choice in the demand is interesting. Sarah neither speaks directly to Hagar nor says her name, referring to her as her servant-woman. Essentially, Sarah has refused to acknowledge Hagar’s identity, treating her as a possession.

But Abraham does not automatically obey Sarah’s demands. Verse eleven indicates that Abraham had made a connection with his son, Ishmael, despite the fact that he is not chosen for the covenant with God. Like any father, he does not want to send his son away, out into a wilderness where anything could happen. However, missing from his expression of concern is Hagar, the mother of the boy. Though his biological son does have meaning to him, what about his second wife? Fortunately, God does not overlook Hagar, and the response Abraham receives indicates that both will be cared for. And so, the woman and son are sent on their way with limited rations, to wander in the wilderness.

Out in the desert, Hagar has nowhere to turn, and sees no chance of survival for herself and her son. The text doesn’t indicate how long they wander. A few hours? A few days? All we know is, they’re in the middle of a desert and run out of water. Things do not look good, and Hagar fears the worst. So she separates herself from her son, because she cannot stand to hear his cries and watch him suffer. The text tells us that she puts about a bowshot’s distance between them so she can’t see him die. I’m not an archery expert, but I’m thinking that in some situations, visibility can extend beyond a bowshot. This is not an act of desertion to increase her own chances of survival; this is an act of love from a mother who cannot stand to see her child suffer and die. And yet, she cannot completely remove herself from him, keeping him within a certain visibility range. I cannot even begin to imagine the anguish and utter helplessness that Hagar felt at that moment. She is a foreigner, cast out from the home of Abraham, with no where to go and no one to help her, and at risk of losing her only son. A refugee in the wilderness.

But just as promised, God hears the cries of Ishmael. A fitting act, since Ishmael’s name means “God hears.” However, God speaks not to the boy, but to Hagar. When Abraham and Sarah fail to even address her by name, God calls her directly, both showing concern for her situation and instructing her not to fear. The conversation then goes on as God describes the nation which Ishmael will father. They will not just survive; they will prosper. Moreover, God does not just offer them a promise; water is provided, as Hagar opens her eyes and sees a well. Perhaps it was there all the time, or perhaps it miraculously appeared. Regardless, God provides for them, proof that “neither Hagar nor Ishmael are beyond the mercy of God” (Word Commentary 88).

Something you don’t see in the English text is that several of the Hebrew words used within this story are repeated in the story of the Israelites’ exodus from Egypt. And just as Hagar wanders in the desert and God provides water, so the same later happens for the Israelites. The only difference is this: the Israelites are chosen, and Hagar is a foreigner. In fact, she was expelled by the mother of the Israelite nation. Still, God’s attention to this one slave woman connected with the care for the entire Israelite nation reflects God’s love of and care for every individual, regardless of their insider or outsider status. God did not choose Israel “to keep everyone else out of God’s fold; Israel was chosen to make it possible for everyone else eventually to be included” (Spina 6). And despite Sarah’s efforts to exclude the foreigner, Hagar and Ishmael receive their own provision and promise of blessing.

On the one hand, this is a story of liberation. Hagar and Ishmael are saved, and are guaranteed survival for their family. Hagar even rises to take control of and responsibility for her son, as she selects a wife for him, a job normally for the father. The previous abuse of Sarah and the despair of the desert are over. And at times, we like to align ourselves with Hagar, because who hasn’t felt abandoned and abused by others on some level, longing for liberation?

But if we solely align ourselves with Hagar, we miss a crucial part of the story. What if, instead, we look for commonalities between ourselves and Sarah? Sarah is the one who mistreats Hagar, using her for a potential heir for Abraham then turning her away when Isaac takes his place as the true heir. With no regard for her welfare, she demands that Hagar must be gone. Never mind that she has no where else to go. Never mind that she has no resources on her own. She must leave, end of story.

Now, I am sure that few of us have literally thrown people out of our homes. But what people have we refused to recognize? What populations have flown under our radar? What nations have suffered because of our desire to capitalize on their resources?

In short, who are the Hagars of our world? Who has been displaced, excluded, and shut out? Each has their own story, their own wilderness, their own heartbreak. Hagar is the refugee and her family from Sudan, choosing poverty in another nation over the violence in their own. Hagar is the homeless man suffering from mental illness with no money or means to stabilize his condition. Hagar is the woman whose home was wiped out by Katrina and cannot afford to rebuild. Hagar is the man disowned by his family, friends, and church because of his lifestyle. Hagar is the woman dying from AIDS, with no one to care for her. The list goes on and on, in a world full of suffering people in need of liberation from poverty, disease, abuse, and loneliness. The Hagars of our world are not confined to a particular racial or economic group. They are everywhere.

And yes, we can claim the role of God as liberator in their lives. The story of Hagar is proof that God does see and hear those who are “outside.” And that is a powerful message in and of itself. But we must be careful not to neglect our own responsibility in these stories. Though we may not have directly caused many of the situations and circumstances that leave people impoverished, neglected, and/or alone, we perpetuate the cycle by our inability to see and name the Hagars. And until we see them as people, brothers and sisters, with names and faces and stories, we can never reach out to them in their wildernesses and help them in their struggle. By simply labeling the Hagars of the world as “the others,” we can continue to keep them at arm’s length, withholding the dignity they deserve and the help they so desperately need.

Thinking back to my time in South Africa, all the women I worked with probably shared Nomalanga’s initial fears of me. To them, I was a nameless white woman; to me, they were nameless black women. But what was it that changed their minds, and my own? All we did was eat together. Watch TV together. Joke together. Drink tea together. Read the Bible together. Nothing earth-shattering, nothing out of the ordinary. We chose to drop our walls and stereotypes and let the other in. And our ministry to each other became genuine, heartfelt. We couldn’t solve the problems of their community, the daily struggles and economic hardships that created a wilderness of their own. But we could offer ourselves as support to each other, building relationships that crossed boundaries and crushed stereotypes. And suddenly, the “other” turned into “sister.” The faceless women turned into friends with names and stories and vivid lives, because we chose to see and hear each other for who we were. And we were changed.

calming down

2008-04-07T21:16:00.003-04:00

Things have settled down a little bit around the seminary here. It's still tough, but I'll make it. We'll all make it.

I've come to realize how much of a support system I have here. The ministers I work with have been amazing - checking to make sure I'm okay, helping me process, even fighting for me with some scholarship mess that has popped up. And people at school have called to check on me, or made a point to ask how I'm doing - really doing. There's something...comforting?...in having a friend look you in the eye and ask how you're doing, knowing that they want the true answer, even if it's bad. We're all working through this transitional time in our own ways, and helping each other through it as well. Which I really appreciate.

First year chapel is this week. I'm preaching. Yikes! Though I must admit - it's been kinda fun to plan the service...

high anxiety

2008-03-31T20:59:00.003-04:00

**Note - this is more of a personal entry than a true blog entry.

You know, when I started this whole seminary process, I knew it would be a difficult road. But for some reason, I thought that would be confined to the classroom and my own intellectual life. Not other areas of life as well.

My roommate is transferring. I am losing a friend. Friendships here have been a struggle, because I've been trying to break out of a clique I have found myself in. I am trying to have a good experience at seminary, but it's hard when some of your friends are creating an unhealthy environment for that.

At the same time, I'm also losing the second half of my rent (which I can't afford on my own). I've put in an application to live in an intentional community, but I'm still waiting on that process. Meanwhile, I had to submit a form to the school saying I would not be living in this apartment next year. So technically, I don't have a place to live next year. Yet.

(Sure, living with my parents is an option, but that's really a last resort. It's not a good location or conducive to my lifestyle. But if nothing else works out, I guess that's where I'll end up.)

Our school is also going through some tough times. I won't go into details here, but there will be some major changes up ahead. Which is a stressful thing, since I will be a student during the time of this major transition.

It's a lot of uncertainty that has hit all at once. I really didn't see it coming. And in the midst of all these papers and books, I just want to crawl in my bed and not come out for a week.

I forget about "the bubble"

2008-03-27T21:37:00.003-04:00

We had our spring lecture series at my seminary this week. Jonathan Wilson-Hargrave and Ann Atwater shared the platform as they discussed issues of race and church. (How appropriate, considering recent events that have made headlines). It's led to some good discussions among people about race and our faith, the need for conversations and reconciliations across the color lines. It's been a topic that I have been thinking about for a while, so it's nice to talk with others who share that line of thinking.

Then I went to my hometown to get my hair cut. (Note: my hometown is...Southern. And conservative). I love my hairdresser; she's a sweet woman from the church I grew up in. Well, she asked me what I thought about all this presidential stuff. In my head, I thought, "Crap." I talked about how it's a shame all these things are making headlines and that the candidates are picking on each other. She managed to work the Obama/Wright issue into the conversation. Apparently, his choice to attend that church is a bad decision, and makes her doubt that he can make good choices for our country. She also doesn't realize why "they" always want to talk about slavery, because she didn't have anything to do with it, and "they" have it good now.

The discussions reminded me that not everyone thinks the way that I do, sees the same things that I do. I (gently) tried to share how I thought the conversations about race are important, because the issues have never been addressed publicly. I don't know if she ever agreed with me, but she was respectful of my opinion.

That's the thing about the seminary bubble. I can have good conversations with people who think like me, but what about out there, in the churches? Chances are good that there will be people who don't think like me. I can't vilify or trash-talk them, because they, too, are worthy of respect and love. As my own beliefs and opinions are changing, how do I effectively live them out while still embracing those who may not agree with me?

This is one of those things I can't take a class on. It comes from interacting with the more conservative people in my classes; from having conversations like the one with my hairdresser; from learning maturity in how to deal with these issues with grace. And it's flat out annoying and awkward at times...but it is necessary.

Poverty and family in Deuteronomy 15:1-11

2008-03-26T20:11:00.003-04:00

We live in a world of economic inequality. People everywhere are divided by class, with the gap between the world’s rich and the world’s poor growing larger by the day. While a small minority hold much of the world’s wealth, a great majority of individuals are caught within the cycles of impoverishment and its ramifications. The question remains: are we as the church to do anything about this problem? From a biblical standpoint, the answer is yes. The teachings of Jesus favor the poor and oppressed, but those teachings are not unique to the New Testament. Indeed, the basis behind many policies regarding social justice have their roots in Old Testament law. A closer look at one such policy toward the needy neighbor outlined in Deuteronomy 15:1-11 reveals both God’s desire to lift up and restore dignity to the poor and the role that we as the church are to play in those actions.

Deuteronomy 15 begins with the radical call for a Sabbatical year regarding the cancelling of debts. According to this legislation, the Israelites were to wipe out all debts every seven years (Deut. 15:1). But where did this law come from? After years of wandering, Israel had settled as a growing nation-state, and with that transition came a new economic situation that developed poor and wealthy aspects of society.[1] The poor individuals and families did not always have a choice in their status, though. In an economy largely based upon agriculture, many uncontrollable variables could ruin or destroy a harvest, sending a family into poverty.[2] As a result, loans and debts became a new practice for impoverished families to survive; however, with it came the beginning of more solidified social classes and increased feelings of superiority and inferiority between them.

The underlying themes of brotherhood in Deuteronomy make it clear that the institution of economic distinctions between peoples was never God’s intent. We were not created to become rich or poor, but simply to be the people of God. Thus, God commanded the principle of the Sabbatical year in Deuteronomy 15 to help remedy the disparity. As Water Bruggeman says, the ritual of debt cancellation was “an extraordinary requirement to assure that there should be no permanent underclass in the neighborhood, no enduringly disadvantaged people.”[3] With their debts remitted, these families one again could fully participate in normal community life, restoring their dignity within the community.[4] Of course, the universal release was never a one-time occurrence, as money and power create vicious cycles of debt that must continually be broken.[5] The repetitive nature helped keep the economy in check, for it was never intended to control society as a whole, oppressing the lives of individuals caught in unfortunate situations.[6]

Unfortunately, little evidence suggests that the principle of the Sabbatical year actually became a regular practice in Israel. Many scholars say that the law is so theoretical that it must have been impossible to implement as an universal practice.[7] However, does that mean texts like Deuteronomy 15 should be disregarded in our modern world? Absolutely not. The collection of laws in the Old Testament offer poignant theological commentary about the nature of God and the Israelite’s relationship with both God and each other.[8] Though the exact practice may be unworkable, the spirit of the law is one we can and should claim in our lives today when considering the poor both here and abroad.

The basis behind the Sabbatical year is more than pure economics. The text of Deuteronomy 15 commands each Israelite to assist his neighbor, thus extending what is typically a familial responsibility to encompass the entire community. John Rogerson calls this a “brother-ethic,” where the Israelites were to look beyond their tribal lines and view each person as a part of their larger family.[9] Thus, each person was obligated to help those in the community who were in need, offering protection for the least in the nation. The familial perspective also increases the dignity of the poor, as they are seen as kin in need of help rather than strangers with a financial problem. Such a perspective mandates a more generous attitude, for who does not want to help a family member? Moreover, the text emphasizes that God gave the Israelites their land, so in response to that blessing they had a responsibility to help their neighbor.[10] Directly tied to that possession is additional blessings in the land, though with the caveat that blessings come “if only [they] will obey the Lord [their] God by diligently observing this entire commandment” (Deut. 15:5). As a result, the law sets up the concept that blessing is not for the sake of the individual, but comes with the responsibility to help others.

Of course, the writers of Deuteronomy knew that the law of the Sabbatical year would not be enough by itself. Verses 7-11 take the concept further, warning some creditors who might reject requests for loans as Sabbatical years come closer, knowing that those loans have the least chance of being repaid before the time of remission. Here, the text warns to give generously, “whatever it may be,” regardless of the timing of the request. What is more, the writers emphasize the mental state of the creditor, condemning one who is “hard-hearted,” “tight-fisted,” and “entertain[ing] a mean thought” toward a brother or sister in need (Deut. 15:7, 9). Begrudgement both cheapens the act of aid and belittles the needy neighbor, implying that he is not worth the effort. On the contrary, the rejection of this resentful attitude reflects that God values the poor equally as much as the wealthy. Giving to the poor is not a strict law to be carried out, but an act of love for one’s neighbor.

Though some creditors might have looked at lending situations solely through the perspective of what they might get out of it, the text denies that thought process. The original intent of lending, at least according to Deuteronomy, was less as a business transaction and more as an act of aid for a neighbor.[11 Thus, legislation such as this was “a demand that the Israelite be ready to relinquish something which, for whatever reason, he may feel inclined to take or keep for himself, perhaps even justified in doing so.”[12] Living within a familial perspective takes away the right to withhold individual blessings from others, using them instead as a way to ease the burden for a neighbor, without the expectation that we will be repaid. Through this lens, the debtor’s identity is elevated from one who owes money to a brother or sister in need, for “all our society’s members have the right to be human.”[13 Again, the relationship of the debtor and the creditor is emphasized beyond a mere business acquaintance to a fellow human being and family member.

If we are to follow Deuteronomy 15 today, who, then, is our neighbor? The text implies that neighborliness for the ancient Israelites extended only to fellow Israelites, as it makes a distinction from lending to foreigners (Deut. 15:3). But how do we translate this ancient policy of loyalty into our world? In one sense, we can look to the church community as our family, a valid application of the principle of the Sabbatical. Within the body of Christ, we are called to support each other and lift each other up when difficult times arise, both spiritually and economically. But does the love of God, and consequently, our attention, also go beyond the walls of the church? Our brothers and sisters are not just those who sit within our own congregations, but are within our larger community of the county, the state, the nation, and even the world. And though slavery in the ancient sense is much less widespread (though sadly not completely extinct), countless individuals, families, and governments find themselves bound to others with oppressive debts or in difficult situations that are impossible to remedy alone. Our sister is the cancer patient with no health insurance, struggling under huge financial debt while fighting to stay alive. Our brother is the homeless man suffering from mental illness with no money or means to stabilize his condition. Our sister is the single mother in Africa who has been forced into prostitution so she can feed her family. Our brother is the man whose home was wiped out by Katrina and still has not been able to rebuild. The list goes on and on, in a world full of broken people trapped in cycles of poverty and destitution. These members of our family need not just a way out of their situations, but the restoration of their personal dignity and respect as our brothers and sisters.

To one individual, the list of needy neighbors is daunting. How can one person help all these people? Logically, no man or woman can singlehandedly bring an end to the widespread poverty even in our immediate surroundings. We alone do not have the power or ability to call an end to all debts, nor will our society today even entertain such a thought. This is where we must reclaim the concept of the church as a familial community, much as the Israelites did. Though one person can do a few things to ease symptoms of poverty, it is the wider neighborhood of believers that has a greater ability to help others. We as the church hope for the day that there “be no one in need among [us],” but we still must acknowledge and act upon the fact that “there will never cease to be some in need on the earth.” Together as the body of Christ, let us reach out to the homeless, the hungry, the sick, and the hurting, both within our community and outside it. As Deuteronomy’s law says, we must open our hands in love and generosity to the poor and impoverished, granting them the respect they are worthy of and the assistance that they need, for they are our brothers and sisters.

[1] R. Clements, “Deuteronomy,” NIB 2:404.

[2] Hoppe, There Shall Be No Poor Among You: Poverty in the Bible (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2004), 26.

[3] Walter Bruggeman, The Covenanted Self: Explorations in Law and Covenant (Minneapolis: Fortress, 1999), 80.

[4] Clements, “Deuteronomy,” 2:405.

[5] Bruggeman, The Covenanted Self, 80.

[6] Clements, “Deuteronomy,” 2:404.

[7] Clements, “Deuteronomy,” 2:404.

[8] John Rogerson, Theory and Practice in Old Testament Ethics (London: T&T Clark International, 2004), 26.

[9] Rogerson, Theory and Practice in Old Testament Ethics, 25.

[10] J.G. McConville, Law and Theology in Deuteronomy (Sheffield: JSOT Press, 1984), 12.

[11] Hoppe, There Shall Be No Poor Among You, 30.

[12] McConville, Law and Theology in Deuteronomy, 15-6.

[13] D. Christensen, “Deuteronomy” Word Bible Commentary 6a:322

Maundy Thursday

2008-03-20T21:41:00.003-04:00

Tonight was one of the most stressful moments of my job thus far.

We had our Maundy Thursday service, and I found myself playing a huge role in it. Wearing a robe. Processing in with the ministers. Praying. Serving communion (first time for me ever). Reading scripture. Extinguishing candles. Singing a solo (my first total solo since elementary school).

I forget sometimes that I'm only 22. At school and at work, I'm around people older than me, so I start to equate myself with them. But there are elements of experience that I just don't have yet, because I am so young. And I forget that, until random moments like today remind me of my young age and inexperience.

At some point right before the service started, it all hit me. The seriousness of everything that I was doing (and the seriousness of the service itself). A lot of personal firsts, all thrown into one service. So I was a bundle of nerves the entire time, which made my solo a little weak.

I got through it, and it went well, other than the weak solo. But still...it was stressful. Hopefully this stuff gets easier with time...because if I end up in church ministry, I'll be doing stuff like this a lot more often...

Five years ago...

2008-03-19T22:19:00.003-04:00

Five years ago, I was a senior in high school. I didn't have a clear sense of politics or international relations; I just went along with whatever people told me. Which, in my small town, meant I was Republican, because that's what "all good Christians are."

Five years ago, America invaded Iraq. A boy in my class (president of the Young Republicans at my school), insisted that we stop English class to turn on the TV and watch it. I remember seeing those flashes of light on the screen, not sure what to make of it. Mr. YR jumped around the room, cheering and celebrating the "shock and awe," yelling something about justice and how they deserved it.

Five years ago, I realized that something was wrong, terribly wrong, with that picture. I didn't fully comprehend the impact of war (we've always been militarily involved in some country for as long as I can remember), or think about the innocents being harmed by the blasts. But the excessive joy over such a somber event...it still makes my stomach turn, even today.

hmmm, more politics

2008-03-18T18:53:00.003-04:00

Obama (and his speechwriters) sure can write a speech. I've been more than a little annoyed by all the focus that has been placed on Rev. Wright and his inflammatory comments. It's pretty ridiculous how people have made this such an issue.

But I applaud Obama and his ability to stand before the nation and acknowledge the racial struggle and divide that still exists in this country. After my time in SA, I've seen the gap much more clearly, and it has bothered me more and more. As a nation, we've never fully worked through the inequality and injustice. And the way to start that process is to start talking about it, beyond private conversations among closed company. Obama is right - until we can truly come together, many inequalities and injustices don't stand a chance of being righted.

We are still suffering from the poor decisions of our ancestors. We live in a broken system. But maybe, just maybe, we can work together to make things a little better, both in this nation and around the world.

a bit of idealism

2008-03-14T21:00:00.003-04:00

So an issue that has become more and more important to me is the treatment of the poor. Lack of healthcare, lack of a good system for those suffering from mental illness, hunger, homelessness, the foster care system...all worthy causes that need more attention. I'm interested in what the candidates have to say about them, about what they will do if elected.

But here's the rub: these candidates are spending millions of dollars to tell us what they want to do for the poor (among other issues).

What if they took that money and just directly applied it to causes and organizations that worked to alleviate poverty and injustice? Talk about your campaign reform...it would be a campaign revolution.

But then again...we've set up this system where in order to be heard in the political realm, you have to have money. So millions of dollars are funneled into flyers, commercials, events, etc., while people are sleeping on the street and wondering where their next meal will come from. And even though promises are made on the campaign trail, with the way our political system functions there is no guarantee those statements will come true.

Sometimes, I really don't like America.

nothing deep here today...

2008-03-10T17:34:00.002-04:00

...just a few interesting things people have said/written to me today...

From the church secretary:
"You look like Izzy from Grey's"
-I guess that's a compliment...minus the whole sleeping with a married man thing. But, she didn't say I acted like her.

From my spirituality professor:
"You write so well, and your reflections are full of both tenderness and that pleasant self-deprecating humor of yours."
-I didn't realize self-deprecating humor was a trademark of mine. I find that interesting...

From a church member:
"It is wonderful to have your smiling competent presence at church!"
-Somewhat awkward compliment...but appreciated nonetheless.

I never fully know what to do with compliments. I've finally been able to simply say, "thank you." Just as long as they don't go to my head...

kids say the darndest things...

2008-03-06T20:49:00.003-05:00

For the month of March, I'm doing an international emphasis with my kids, talking about different cultures and helping them to get a little more of a global perspective. Last night, I taught them about South Africa. (It feels like it was so long ago...and yet like it was yesterday...). We were looking at some of my pictures, which they enjoyed. Of course, one decided to point out that I was skinnier in the pictures than I am now. Thank you for that, kid...good thing I have a decent body image...

Anyway, I showed them one I have of a black boy playing with broken toys. I pointed out that the toys were broken, and that there are some poor people over there (just as there are poor people everywhere). One of the kids then asked, "Why are they poor?"

Good question.

I think I answered in that moment with some brief, sterilized, kid-friendly version of how apartheid created this class separation and it's hard to make things completely equal again when they didn't get the same education and opportunities for so long. (Is it wrong to tell kids about apartheid? I don't think so, if it's addressed the right way and emphasized how WRONG it is.)

But really, on a larger scale...why are there poor people? I can come to some sort of explanation of how it came to be (from where I stand right now, we live in a world marred by sin that has messed with the entire system of creation, causing inequalities and injustices everywhere). But that doesn't fully satisfy the question for me. Because it's not fair. It's not right. Yet what do we do about it? What should we do about it? The system is so broken...how do we redeem it? Or is it beyond redemption?

Of course, I say all this as I sit in my own apartment, typing on my laptop, enjoying electricity and food and a safe neighborhood. Though here I am the "poor seminary student," in most parts of the world I am rich by comparison. What I spent on lunch today could feed some families in other parts of the world for a week. That sure puts things into perspective...

don't fix me

2008-02-29T16:43:00.004-05:00

Why do people (especially in the Christian community) find the need to "fix your problems" when you share something that you're struggling with?

Last time I checked, ministry wasn't about "fixing" people. (As my old therapist used to say...You fix dogs and cats, not people. When you fix people, you essentially neuter them and make them incapable of growing on their own.) Most of the time, people don't want a quick solution. They just want someone to hear them, to acknowledge their presence and their struggle, maybe even voice some similar struggle to know that they're not alone. But in several groups in my past...and now seminary...I've found myself in situations where it's just better to keep my mouth shut than really share what's going on because I don't want to be bombarded with quick fixes.

Case in point: I mentioned in my spirituality class that I'm struggling with some of what we're learning about because I'm in the process of questioning and reworking my personal theology and haven't figured out where everything fits yet. (Yes, I realize this is a process that I will never fully finish!) I'm okay with this process; it's a little disconcerting at times not to fully know where I stand, but I believe in a God who is bigger than my questions and that gives me hope. The class seemed suddenly concerned, and I felt like for the rest of the period people were giving me advice, or mentioning things directly at me. Even the professor kept talking about things and would stop periodically and say, "Did you connect with that, Erin?"

Thanks for making me feel like a freak because I'm questioning things. I thought seminary was a safe place to do that...I've learned now to keep my mouth shut...

homeless

2008-02-21T21:11:00.004-05:00

In my city, there's a homeless ministry where different churches take in homeless people for a week at a time, giving them a place to sleep and food to eat. It's a well-run ministry, and a good thing. This week, my church has been hosting 40 men.

Since I was up there for quartet practice last night, I decided to swing by the fellowship hall to see if the volunteers needed any help with serving dinner, etc. You know, being a good staff person, but also hoping to share a little fellowship with the homeless. (Ever since the play, I feel a bit of a kindred spirit with them.) The men were being dropped off and getting their things together after their day in the city. I was there talking to one of the leaders when one man walked right up to me and introduced himself (his name is Jeremy), and immediately started talking to me. We had a brief conversation, then I finished my conversation with the volunteer and began to leave. Jeremy drew me into another conversation as I was walking out, and out of respect I talked with him a few more minutes. I could tell that he had some mental difficulties (many homeless people do, sadly...there's not really a good system in America to help people like that).

As I finally excused myself and was walking out the door, he asked again what my name was, then if there was a way he could keep in touch with me to "talk about the Lord." Small red flags began waving in my brain. I again told him my name was Erin, and I could be contacted through the church office (knowing he probably didn't have the number). Then, I left.

Today, a church member came in to the office and told me that he had met my fiancé. Huh? He then explained how he had driven the men to the shower location this morning, and an extremely talkative man had sat there and told him how I was his fiancée and was going to be his wife, and how lucky I was. (The red flags in my head suddenly doubled in size.) The church member told me how he definitely sensed that the guy was a bit unstable as he talked about how he arbitrarily decided how much of his medication he would take. (Red flags now waving wildly.) He told me all this part joking, but part as a gentle warning. I replied that I wouldn't stop by to help anymore, and he agreed with my decision.

What sucks is that one sketchy person has now hampered my ability to serve in this ministry. I just wanted to be a part of helping, but to avoid any drama or problems with this guy, it's best that I stay out. As a young, single woman, I have to be careful. And I'm smart, and I figure out my boundaries pretty quickly and know when to step back, but it's just sad that one bad interaction has now shut down any future positive ones I could have had this week. I want to help, I want to serve, I want to connect with the poor and oppressed, I want to see Christ in them...but I hate that I have to worry about my safety. I hate that I live in a world where safety is a big concern, and not a guarantee. I hate that I can't trust everyone.

quick thought

2008-02-20T19:11:00.004-05:00

God’s love sets me free to enter into community with other people—even when the community is a very limited one and is not the total communion that my heart desires. Only when I live in communion with God can I live in a community that is not perfect. Only then can I love the other person and create a space in which we might be quite distant or very close, but we can still allow something new to be born—a child, friendship, joy, community, a space where strangers and guests can be received.

- Henri Nouwen

How true. My failing in the past has been searching for that perfect group, those perfect friends, those perfect relationships. At one of my lower points in undergrad, I isolated myself from almost everyone in my life, because for one reason or another I saw some small difference as an inability to connect. But, as we've been talking about in OT class...perfect is static. It doesn't change. And truly, what I need is a community that is willing to grow and change with me, because I am still forming who I am and what I believe. I'm not fit to be a part of a perfect community. It's the community that embraces you with your faults and failures and vulnerabilities and offers the love of Christ...that is the community worth holding on to.

I'm learning to let down my walls and let people in...scary thought, I know. But for community to truly happen, you have show some vulnerability and openness. And acceptance of others in their flaws as well...because I haven't been doing a great job of that lately. But it's true - when you recognize that we are all sinners, that we are all flawed, and we are all covered by God's grace, it's easier to love people as Jesus called us to love them. Now if only I could transfer that to a few people in my life...

no internet?

2008-02-14T17:36:00.004-05:00

I have a paper due tomorrow that I really need to work on. So naturally, I'm writing a blog post.

Sometime last weekend, the internet modem at work burned up. It wasn't until today that we finally got the new modem...but now we can't figure out how to make it work. Needless to say, things around the office have been a bit frazzled all week. And it hasn't helped my job much, either. As the queen of copy (technically, ministry assistant in charge of publications, but queen of copy sounds better), it complicated things because (a) I couldn't get necessary documents off of my email, and (b) the only printer access I have is through the wireless network. I learned that if the internet is down, so is my ability to print documents. Yay. Kinkos is my new friend...

It's a bit scary, really, how much we're attached to the internet. I google information, pictures, craft ideas all the time. It can be a great resource, networking with people, making our world smaller and smaller as we have more access to new information. But when we're forced to go one week...just one week!...without it, suddenly the world is falling apart. Is anyone else concerned about how much we depend on this resource?

And though it does bring new connections...in many ways it makes us even more alone. It takes your attention away from face-to-face interactions, and can suck up your time. I'm guilty of it...how many hours do I spend poking around on Facebook, hours that I could use to call an old friend or have coffee with a new one? Facebook tells me I have 419 "friends"...but really, how many of them are authentic? Social networking through sites like Facebook is beneficial in some ways (keeping in contact with people long distance), but are we in danger of using it as a substitute for authentic interaction?

The Internet can be a good thing, even a great thing. But perhaps we all need to be careful of keeping our usage (and dependency on it) in moderation...

Turn off your computer for a few hours. Call a friend or family member. Sit outside. Read a book. Go for a walk. Sit in a coffee shop. Don't lose out on the beauty and wonder in the life around you, the life that is so much more than a computer screen.

I plan on doing so...after I write this paper, of course.

pacifism thoughts

2008-02-05T21:05:00.000-05:00

One of my classes this semester is focusing on how Christianity relates and functions in a world of political, military, and economic superpowers. How does it interact with the government? How should it respond to conflicts, etc? It proves to be an interesting class, and I think it will stretch me a lot, both with the course content and format (5 people total in the class!)

I'm not exactly a patriotic type. Many, many things about America grate on my nerves and make me less than proud to be an American. And I'm becoming more and more of a pacifist. In an ideal world, pacifism makes sense. But in the imperfect world we have, marred by sin and evil, what do you do with that? How should pacifism respond to violent terrorism ... genocide ... brutal violation of human rights? What can be done to remedy the situation? Violence is not the solution, but is it possible to avoid it? What do you do with ruthless leaders who massacre millions? And horrible regimes? I know that our previous policies and actions have contributed to the conditions in today's world. We've screwed over countless peoples in the name of "freedom." But will we ever step up and acknowledge it, do something about it? What does the kingdom of heaven look like in our world today?

When did black and white become so gray?

church membership

2008-02-04T15:31:00.000-05:00

I changed my church membership yesterday. A slightly scary thing. I've only been the member of one church in my hometown, but after taking this part-time position at another church, I've felt the need to commit fully and transfer membership. It's more symbolic than anything else, as I continue to fight my distrust of working in a church setting. To give you an idea of how I was feeling...I think I was more nervous about going forward on Sunday than I was on opening night of Godspell.

But if I am going into church ministry, then this is something I'll have to get used to - committing to a church, but then moving on as the Spirit leads. So I did it. And the church members were very happy for me, which made me feel better about it. In fact, several didn't realize I wasn't a member yet. And we'll see what happens next...

In other news...as Godspell comes to a conclusion this weekend, I will be doing a lot of decompressing about the experience, some of which I hope to share on this blog. So stay tuned...

evening plans

2008-01-31T16:24:00.000-05:00

Let's see...tonight is the second night of the New Baptist Covenant celebration, another Democratic debate, and the season premiere of Lost.

And where will I be? At the opening night of Godspell, of course! Yes, our intense month of rehearsals will be showcased in our opening performance tonight, the first of six. The fact that opening week has overlapped with the first week of the new semester has caused some slight stress problems, but we've all survived. Fortunately, my profs have decided to ease us all into the semester, so I haven't been overwhelmed with lots of work. Good thing, because my brain is pretty much mush now with anything that's not Godspell-related. I think it will be an awesome show...we're practically sold out on all the nights!

Maybe once this is all over I can get back to quasi-intelligent posts... :o)

rest in peace

2008-01-23T16:22:00.000-05:00

I was going to post a somewhat disgruntled rant about Christian Unity week in regards to my alma mater and how the Christians there celebrate it...but yesterday, a music professor from there died, and I feel the need to put aside the other post for this one. I never had her for a class, interacted with her only briefly in the hallways of the music building...but I still feel the loss. I had several friends in the music department, and all spoke highly of her. Death is hard, no matter who it is or what the connection is to them. Even Heath Ledger...I feel for his friends and family, and wonder what it is that caused him to die so young. I haven't been emotional or anything (I don't feel like I have the connection to be that way), but it is a sobering moment that makes you think about our own mortality.

But it's been good to have an outlet for those feelings with the play. On stage, I can let it all go, and just be crazy and get into whatever we're working on. I know my acting has a long way to go, but I've felt lots of improvement within myself. And I genuinely enjoy working with the cast and the relationships that we've developed. It will be difficult to move on after this play, letting it go as I settle into the new semester and the new schedule and not seeing the same people every single day. I hate saying goodbyes...but it will need to happen, if only so new opportunities and relationships can arise.

you've got to be kidding me

2008-01-20T16:49:00.000-05:00

So last year I was out of the loop about this NFL ban on showing the Super Bowl (wait, am I allowed to call it that?) on big screens, specifically targeting churches who have parties. Now a lawyer wants to take them on by representing a church in the fight.

Excuse me while I rant about this for a bit.

What is the problem with a group of people getting together to watch the game? I confess that I don't know the intricacies of copyright laws, but how can a group of people watching the game on a projector or large TV cause any harm? It's not like the NFL is losing any money. In fact, many of those people probably wouldn't even watch the game on their own (like me). The advertisers have already paid their money, so it's not like they charge by the number of TVs used.

Apparently, there's also copyright issues over using the term "Super Bowl." Honestly...who cares? Why is the NFL being so possessive over this? If you ask me, the quality of the game (and many of the advertisements) has gone down drastically over the past years, and all this hubbub makes me less and less likely to watch it. Are they concerned about people losing interest and feel a need to affirm their claim on the event?

And seriously...there is a disproportionate amount of money funneled into professional sports as it is. That's the real reason I can't get into them - it makes me sick to know what those people are paid to play. Yes, some of them do use their fame and wealth to help other causes. But still...is it necessary?

It's a ridiculous law. But I'm not even sure it's worth the fight to overturn...

asking for help

2008-01-19T14:14:00.000-05:00

If you know me, I tend to be a pretty independent person, not asking for help. I don't want to bother people...and would they really want to help me? But I've been pleasantly surprised recently...

I've been trying to figure out how to convert a file to pdf so I can send it to my new friends in El Salvador. But everything I tried wouldn't work. So this morning, I put up a message on Facebook that I needed help - maybe 5 hours ago? And since then, I have received two messages and one phone call in response, offering me suggestions about software to download, etc.

It's a good feeling to know that people are watching out for me.

This play is another thing. I'm waaaay out of my comfort zone. Write a paper? No problem. Take a test? Sure. Translate some Hebrew? Bring it on. Act and sing on stage? ummmmm....

Yet it's something I want to do. And I'm trying hard. But I don't have the natural ability on stage that many others do. So I've gotten together with people, asking for help and suggestions about how to improve. And I've gotten nothing but encouragement and support. (Which I guess is fitting, since Godspell is centered around how Jesus brings a group of people together into this community, and how that community grows and reacts to everything that happens).

There really is something to this whole community thing. At camp, it was community that helped lift me up and respect myself again. And now, it is community that is helping me grow and improve, giving me the push and confidence that I need.

matriarchy?

2008-01-18T13:58:00.000-05:00

Bopping through the blog world last night, I came across some interesting information about women's education. According to projections in Reason Magazine, women will be the more educated gender by 2017. The article makes several good insights about how this will change the way our society is shaped, creating a matriarchy of sorts. To be honest, I don't even know what that would look like.

Then Al Mohler put in his two cents about the article. Of course, he said some things that irritated me about how it is contrary to the "biblical worldview" and "rightly ordered family and church."

But he did make a good point (oh dear, I actually agree with something Al Mohler said): where are the men? I applaud and appreciate women stepping forward and seizing opportunities, overturning the old stereotypes. But as women are progressing farther and farther in education, why are the men stepping back? How did this trend start? And where are they going?

Frankly, the idea of matriarchy scares me a bit. I don't want for one gender to dominate another; I want equality. My roommate pointed out that it wouldn't necessarily be like the harmful patriarchy of the past. Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled about women taking on more leadership in all different aspects of society. But still...some feminists take it too far, and purposely degrade men in their efforts. That's not what it's all about. You don't empower women by pushing down everyone else around them. You lift them up, set them on equal footing with men.

I'm tired of "girls rule, boys drool." Why does it always have to be a dichotomy - us versus them? Will it ever even out? Or am I just too idealistic and hopeful?

when wilt thou save the people...

2008-01-15T21:21:00.000-05:00

I'm currently in the middle of rehearsals for Godspell, put on by my seminary. It's been a fun yet exhausting experience so far, especially for a theatre novice like myself.

The cool thing about our production is that we're doing it from the perspective of the homeless, a "rag-tag" version you might say. And it's a powerful version, where these nameless faces come together as a community, forever changed by God incarnate who lived and died among them. I'm still working on completely taking on the homeless persona and the back story that I've created for my character...that will take some time.

But my attitude towards the homeless I see around me has changed. After SA, I felt more compassion for those that I saw on the street, and could no longer ignore them. Now, I feel a sort of kinship with them. There is one woman in particular who always stands by a corner on my way home from work in the afternoon. I don't know her story, and I've never given her anything, but I make a point to try and look her in the eye and smile. A smile which she returns. I can't give her money or food (well, maybe I should), but I want to give her the respect she deserves as a person. As a child of God.

I don't know how to help these people. I don't know how to ease their pain or offer them a hand up. There is so much I don't understand about our society, about how people can just fall through the cracks like that. And how they can be treated so badly by others.

What is the answer?

When wilt thou save the people
Oh God of mercy, when?
The people, Lord, the people
Not thrones and crowns, but men
God save the people (save us)
For thine they are
Thy children as thy angels fair
God save the people from despair
God save the people...

homesickness

2008-01-13T00:02:00.000-05:00

It's interesting. It's been a little over 5 months since I returned from South Africa. I've settled into my life here, am slowly building relationships, and feel somewhat at home. The memories are always popping up, and I'm sure my friends are sick of hearing, "when I was in SA..."

But every now and then, out of nowhere, I'm hit with an overpowering wave of homesickness for that place, those people. And I know, I know, this is where God has called me to be, for some reasons I see and others that have yet to be revealed. Yet I can't help but let my mind drift back over that ocean and wonder...

"I was afflicted with Africa like a bout of a rare disease, from which I have not managed a full recovery." - Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible
(Thanks to my dear friend for sharing this quote with me)

Truth is? I don't want to "recover"...

oh politics

2008-01-07T20:43:00.000-05:00

The buzz on all the news networks right now is the NH primary and what the candidates are doing in the final hours. But in particular, I've heard multiple times how Hillary almost cried when talking to the press. I'm wondering if there's a double standard for women in the presidential race. Many have commented about how she comes across as cold and tough, perhaps because she feels the need to prove her strength in a realm that has been dominated by men. Softness could be interpreted as weakness. But then she shows a bit of softer emotion, and the networks jump all over it. Will that now be stressed by others as a sign that she is unfit for the pressures of the presidency? Is it not unfair for women to be seen either as unfeeling or as overly emotional, with no allowance for a mixture of the two?

For the record, I'm undecided when it comes to Hillary as to whether I think she is the best candidate. And I would like to see a woman as president, though I don't know if I would want it to be her. But I must say that I respect her determination and endurance through the pressure of a tough campaign, fighting for something that she wants. It will be interesting to see how these campaigns progress. (Hmmm, I'm actually paying attention to politics for once!)

El Salvador and weddings

2008-01-05T20:06:00.001-05:00

For one week, I had the opportunity to travel with a team from my church to El Salvador. We are building a partnership with an amazing church community down there, a church with a missions focus that puts most American churches to shame. They help run livestock projects that give poor rural families an income and a way to give back to the community around them. We watched one family receive her new chickens to raise, a life-changing moment for her, and it was moving. The pastor of this church is a lively woman (yes, a woman pastor! woohoo!) with a big heart and a sweet spirit. And yes, I rang in the new year with dancing and tons of fireworks. It was an awesome experience, and I'm very excited about the future of this partnership. We have a lot to learn from these people! Their love, hospitality, dedication, concern for others...it blew me away. And their openness to the Holy Spirit was amazing. When they sang, they sang with their whole hearts...most were in the wrong key or on the wrong beat, but that didn't matter. And when they prayed, they prayed. They have such joy and hope, even in the midst of a troubled government and widespread poverty. I'm very excited about continuing this relationship, and even more so about emailing back and forth with a few church members. And I'm looking forward to returning next fall for another trip. My love for other countries and cultures has deepened again.

In other news...two of my college friends got engaged this week, bringing the married/engaged count within our group to 5. *cue "Another One Bites the Dust"* Just kidding...though I was surprised by the timing (mainly because I forgot that this is the time of year when people love to pop the question), I'm genuinely happy for them both. And hey, weddings = mini-reunions, a plus when you and your friends no longer live in the same city!

Christmas reflections

2007-12-26T08:55:00.001-05:00

Christmas was good this year, albeit a little different. Now that I don't live with my parents, I had to pack up my stuff and go see them (the first time ever I've traveled somewhere else to celebrate on Christmas day). And I think we all had fun together.

But at the same time, it was a struggle for me. I've been back in the States since August, but I'm still finding out ways that my perspective has changed. And I've realized I'm not really into Christmas gifts. Some people love to shop for them, will look high and low and search for that perfect thing. Not me. I'll still buy presents for a few people, but I don't like to contribute to the cycle of "more more more." Yup, I can't stand the consumerism that has taken over Christmas. And my Christmas list? A few things that I wanted, but nothing huge. Gifts just aren't how I show love, or how I expect love. And I'm really not into wrapping gifts...I'm going to look for more environmentally-friendly ways to do that next year.

I sound like a hippie. I should look at it more as expressions of love...but right now, that's tough to comprehend.

It's hard when I realize that I have so much stuff, in comparison to most of the world. Yet here, I'm a "starving seminary student." I have what I need, more than I need. And that's enough. But at the same time...I want more stuff. Not big things, but maybe a new sweater or two, or a new pair of shoes. Then I feel guilty about wanting the new stuff, but it's not enough to take the wanting away, leaving me still feeling guilty. Living among poverty for two months can cause a complex.

And tomorrow I will be headed to El Salvador for one week. Who knows what that will do to my perspective...it's good changes, but it's a struggle to translate it into the world that I live in with its set expectations...

a little wisdom from the funny pages

2007-12-24T15:43:00.000-05:00

Given that I'll be on a plane to El Salvador in a few days, this comic caught my eye and I thought it offered some good thoughts...a bit sobering, but good things to think about...

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night :o)

"are you tithing?"

2007-12-21T17:39:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting conversation with my father about tithing today. My bank statements still come to the house, and he said he was concerned because he hadn't seen any good-size checks written on a regular basis and wanted to make sure that I was tithing because it's important.

My father, the man who doesn't go to church, lecturing me about tithing. It was a bit surreal.

In all honesty, I was planning on writing that check to cover the past few months on Sunday before this conversation happened. This is the first time in a while that I've had a regular income, and though it's earmarked in my budget as money not to spend, I haven't done it yet because...

...I'm never in service for the offertory (lame excuse, I know, but its true)...
...confusion about where to tithe (the church where I'm still a member or the church where I work? I need to suck it up and join, but that's another blog entry right there)...
...questioning whether it's better to tithe to a church or some other organization...
...wondering if 10% is actually the way to go, and if my motivation is right...
...and just plain forgetting.

I'm not saying that my delay has been a good thing. I've allowed pure laziness/busyness to keep me from figuring out what to do. Because my budget is tight, for now I'll stick with the 10% guideline. I still want to look more closely into giving texts in the Bible, to get a deeper understanding of where the tradition of 10% came from, to really know why I'm giving that amount. (I'm not trying to cheat the church out of any money; I just like having the background of why we do things the way we do them!) And yes, somehow I will get that money into the plate on Sunday to make up for *ahem* several months.

It's just the irony of my father, the non-churchgoer, bringing up the subject and making sure that I am actually giving financially to the church. That's possibly the closest discussion to anything spiritual that we've had. Sure, it centers around money, but it's still a more personal topic. Perhaps because it's the main way that he gives to the church?

But if anyone has any insight into the practice of tithing, feel free to send any resources my way :o)

bring back the choirs

2007-12-20T20:49:00.001-05:00

I'm not much of a reality TV person...sure, I'll watch shows socially with friends, but no reality show out there makes me drop everything and turn on the shiny box sitting in the living room.

But this week, I got hooked. On Clash of the Choirs. Yes, it's true. As a self-proclaimed chorus nerd (hello middle and high school), I have been sucked into this show.

But this is different from other shows. There's no malice or backstabbing or rudeness. Just five groups of people coming together to sing their hearts out and try to win charity money for their city. Each group has their own style, their own personality, and it's great to watch them just have fun on stage. I can feel the energy through the screen; I can't even imagine what it's like live! (For the record, my favorite group is Team Lachey - "Flight of the Bumblebee" knocked me out of my chair.)

And I admit that I've been touched by some of the personal stories that have been shared. Those who have been through tough times, who have been helped through the healing process through music. They've cried...and I confess that I've teared up with them on a few occasions. I just teared up again during Team Rowland's "Survivor."

Singing in a choir like that is a unique experience that nothing else can touch. A group of people working together, practicing together, committed to one thing: singing their best. There's something powerful and moving about voices joining together and creating a sound that no one person can create alone. In choir, we strove to blend, listening to everyone else and matching to where you couldn't distinguish an individual voice. And when you have that moment, when there's nothing else but you and the music and you can feel the rest of the group without even looking...wow. Not much comes close to that feeling.

We live in a world of too many soloists. Individuals trying to promote themselves, push above others, have their single voice be heard, no matter what the cost to others. It's in politics, business, church, essentially every aspect of life. And while soloists can add something special, we've taken it too far. Bring back the choirs. The rich altos with the deep basses, the strong tenors and the sweet sopranos. Every individual voice adding its own flavor, blending with the others to create something bigger than itself. It's more work to pull it all together and create that sound, but wow, is it worth it.

The Refugees

2007-12-19T17:53:00.000-05:00

I really should update this, but it's my first Advent on staff at a church and I am exhausted! So in lieu of an original entry, here is a poem by one of my favorite writers for readings and liturgies...I felt it was appropriate...

The Refugees by Ann Weems

Into the wild and painful cold of the starless winter night
came the refugees,
slowly making their way to the border.

The man, stooped from age or anxiety,
hurried his small family through the wind.
Bearded and dark, his skin rough and cracked from the cold,
his frame looming large in spite of the slumped shoulders.

He looked like a man who could take care of whatever
came at them. . .
from the dark.

Unless of course there were too many of them,
One man he could handle, two, even. . . .but a border patrol, . . .
they wouldn’t have a chance.

His eyes, black and alert,
darted from side to side, then over his shoulder,
then back again forward.

Had they been seen?
Had they been heard?

Every rustle of the wind, every sigh from the child,
sent terror though his chest.

Was this the way?
Even the stars had been unkind—
had hidden themselves in the ink of night
so that the man could not read their way,

Only the wind. . . . was it enough?
Only the wind and his innate sense of direction. . .
What kind of cruel judgement that would be,
to wander in circles through the night?
Or to safely make their way to the border,
only to find the authorities waiting for them?

He glanced at the young woman, his bride.
No more than a child herself,
she nuzzled the newborn, kissing his neck.
she looked up caught his eye and smiled.

Oh how the homelessness had taken its toll on her!
Her eyes were red, Her young face was lined,
her lovely hair matted from inattention.
her clothes stained from milk and baby,
her hands chapped from the raw wind of winter.

She’d hardly had time to recover from childbirth
when word had come that they were hunted,
and they fled with only a little bread,
and the remaining wine,
and a very small portion of cheese.

Suddenly, the child began to make small noises,
the man drew his bread in sharply:
the woman quietly put the child to breast.

Fear . . . .long dread-filled moments . . . .

Huddled the family stood still in the long silence.

At last the man breathed deeply again,
reassured they had not been heard.
and into the night continued
Mary, Joseph and the Babe.

an odd way to celebrate

2007-12-13T18:05:00.001-05:00

In celebration of completing our first semester at seminary, a few of us rented Jesus Camp to watch. We'd all heard about it and felt the need to watch it for ourselves. For those who don't know, Jesus Camp is a documentary focusing on an Evangelical camp for children that trains them to be "soldiers for Christ." Praying in tongues, uncontrollable sobbing...it's all there. And it scared me.

These kids are being indoctrinated. They're spitting out phrases that they don't even understand, just repeating them because someone told them to. They're being told to support certain movements and certain political leaders (yes, they prayed over a cardboard cutout of Bush). It's fundamentalism at its worst. I saw pieces of my conservative background in it, but my younger years were never that extreme. And it scared me to see that groups like that are out there pushing their beliefs onto the next generation.

It made me realize how much of a responsibility I hold in my own position working with kids. I sat through the entire movie thinking, "I don't want to be like that children's minister." And theologically, I know I will never be. But at the same time, I don't want to force my "moderate/liberal" beliefs on them. Indoctrination is wrong, no matter which side it comes from. I want to teach my kids (the ones I work with) to examine things for themselves, to make their own decisions about what they want to believe. I don't want to hand them a message tied up with a nice little bow. I want them to think. And yes, they're kids, so they're thinking only goes so deep. But you'd be surprised about what kids come up with when they have the freedom to think for themselves and work things out. My summer at PASSPORT, I felt like the programs did a good job of empowering the kids to think, and I want to incorporate more of that into what we do within our children's ministry.

I'm just not sure what the appropriate balance is for that openness. And we have to deal with short attention spans...and wide age ranges...and various maturity levels...and a lack of good resources...

Definitely something for me to ponder as I continue in this ministry position...

college scandal

2007-12-10T19:30:00.000-05:00

Well, my alma mater (University of Mary Washington) is in the news once again. This past spring, about a month before my graduation, our president of 9 months, Dr. Frawley, was arrested for two DUIs. Details of the event were kept a secret, and the entire campus was left in the dark. A week later, the tragic events at Virginia Tech unfolded, and everything else became unimportant. At the beginning of May, we received an email that he had been terminated. No other information was provided. There was no mention of him at my graduation; in fact, my diploma was signed by the acting president. It was as though he never existed.

Last week in the Washington Post, Dr. Frawley decided to come public with his side of the story. It was interesting to hear what really happened, though my reaction to the letter as a whole is divided. On the one hand, it is encouraging to have this man honestly share his struggles with depression, overworking, and alcohol. And I truly have a lot of sympathy for this man and wish the best for him as he still works to become healthier and break out of his destructive cycles. I really liked him as a person and as a president; his presence on campus and outgoing nature was a very big change from our previous president, who rarely mingled with students. He cared about the students and about the institution. Now, it will be extremely difficult for Dr. Frawley to find a job that even compares to his previous one; in essence, his career has been destroyed.

But at the same time, parts of the letter rubbed me the wrong way. Perhaps it was the parallel he drew between himself and Lindsay Lohan. (What?!?!) Or maybe it was his demand for privacy that went hand in hand with his declaration to write a book about the ordeal. And I don't know how the administration treated him (I'm sure there was some unfairness), but the position of college president is one that requires integrity and personal responsibility. I'm all about extending grace to someone, but in his position it was best for him to leave the school. Perhaps those circumstances were poorly handled; I don't know. The events of this spring have helped to instill some skepticism in me when it comes to administrations and institutions. But is a book appropriate in this situation? I don't know. But I do wish that once, just once, Mary Washington would be recognized for the excellent undergraduate education that it's top-class faculty offers, not the scandals that are within the administration.

conversations and chapel

2007-12-05T08:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I was sitting in the lounge with a few friends, waiting to go to chapel. A few minutes before we were going to leave, a fellow classmate came in and started a conversation with us. She's a bit more conservative than we are, but she was open and willing to discuss that with us. The conversation turned towards homosexuality, and we were all able to openly and honestly express our views (or current formation of views) within that group. It was a great conversation, and while there was no agreement among us as a whole, there was respect for the opinions of others. Clearly, we didn't go to chapel.

As the conversation turned towards lighter things, a group of students came in from chapel with decorations. I could see the look in their eyes when they realized we had been there during chapel time. We asked where the things came from, and one replied, "Well, if you had been in chapel..." Honestly, I didn't appreciate the attempt at a guilt trip, and we all said that we were caught up in a great conversation. I don't want to undermine chapel, but community can be built from more than that, and to try and make people feel bad about not going isn't right. People have their own reasons for going or not going, and it's not for anyone to judge. I'm sure chapel yesterday was a great experience, but for my friends and I, we made the right choice in continuing that conversation, helping build a relationship and opening doors for more. I was encouraged by our classmate's willingness to listen to our (more moderate/liberal) views, and her honesty about how she's been challenged here in her way of thinking. I hope more conversations are in our future!

Food for thought...

2007-12-03T23:26:00.000-05:00

Posed by my friend in a recent email:

What do you think Jesus' DNA looked like? Did it have part of Mary's in it? Joseph's? Was it totally unique?

Kinda makes you think about the virgin birth...and what it means to be human and divine...

In the big picture, it's a matter that doesn't really have a lot of significance for my personal faith, though it does seem to echo the homousia/homoiusia debates of the Ecumenical councils. But it's a fun thought to play with. Thoughts, anyone?

A journey into feminist criticism

2007-11-30T15:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday in one of my classes, there was a group presentation on feminist criticism. Loved it. They gave an amazing example of it with an exegesis of the story of Esther, turning it inside out with the exploration of who really had the power in the story and who got the credit for it. Amazing.

I suppose that I'm a feminist in some ways...as a woman entering ministry, I have to be to some degree! I can't say that I identify with the extremism out there, or that I fully know enough about feminism to completely label myself as one. Just put that on the list of things to figure out...

But the presentation brought back a memory from last semester (which for me, was undergrad). In my previous life, I was an English major, and by the end I was hooked. The novels...the analysis...even the papers...challenges that I loved. In one particular class, which I took solely because I loved the professor and Flannery O'Connor was on the syllabus, I think I got my first taste of feminist criticism.

The book was Bailey's Cafe by Gloria Naylor. Beautiful writing - I recommend her books! I was following the story fine; a woman, Eve, was running a home of sorts for women, with a huge garden in the back. Each chapter told the story of each of the women: Eve, who was kicked out of the house by Godfather. Mary, a beautiful girl turned into a prostitute by her own father. Esther, who was forced into a marriage by her brother so he could prosper. Jessie Bell, who married into a family that took over her life, especially Uncle Eli, who took her son from her. Miriam (called Mary), who is found pregnant despite her claims to still be a virgin. Saddening and heart-wrenching stories of women who have been abused and violated in various ways. Parts of it nearly brought me to tears.

Then in class, my professor asked what we thought of the names of the characters. At that moment, my world was turned upside down. I hadn't made the connection that they were all connected to the Bible, and then how similar their stories were to those in the Bible. It was one of those moments of enlightenment; I still remember it clearly! Suddenly, the Bible had a new twist on it. I started to see the other side of these stories which I had heard for years, encountering the "what ifs" and uncomfortable details that no one voiced.

I don't claim at all that the book is factual. It is a work of fiction. But we don't know the full story behind what's in the Bible, what those stories meant for the women in them. And it was this book that opened my eyes to that criticism, to the world of heartbreak and pain that lies beyond the words on the page, to a new level of androcentrism that has been used to suppress women for hundreds (thousands?) of years.

My journey into feminist criticism is still continuing, but my next step will be to re-read this book. And I recommend it for any of you out there who are looking for a provocative work of fiction. I love the fact that God uses so many avenues to teach me new things...

And I should probably email that professor to thank him.

Praise...Her?

2007-11-27T17:36:00.000-05:00

I recently wrote a paper for my Ministerial Identity class, where we had to write at 2-3 page theological reflection. I got really involved in my topic of gender-neutral language for God (I could have written at least 5 pages), and thought I would put it out there for the blog world. Read on...and feel free to comment with your own perspective!

Praise...Her?

A recent conversation I had with a friend started my thinking about the use of gender-inclusive terms for God. Though I personally believe that God is above sexual distinction and more complex than we can fully comprehend, how does one approach such a topic within a worship service? The Christian tradition is full of hymns loaded with masculine pronouns referring to God, not to mention scripture verses with masculine terminology and attributes. However, the introduction of gender-inclusive Bibles and hymnals is causing a stir within some congregations. For this paper, I will briefly reflect upon the use of gendered terms for God and what their use can mean theologically for the church today.

The issue with viewing God solely as masculine arises out of cultural changes. In a tradition that has been dominated by patriarchy and androcentric language, women have been oppressed and left out of many aspects of the Christian community. However, recent movements through feminist and liberation theology have worked to restore dignity and power to women, placing them back into the leadership roles they deserve. A final part of that restoration is the recognition of the feminine within God, proof that women, too, are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). Another cultural issue one must be sensitive to is that of battered and abused women. For many of these women, the masculine portrayal of God is terrifying. Even though one may use terms such as “Father” to discuss the relationship and not the actual masculine identity, this image can be damaging and ostracizing to these women. By choosing to refer to God only as male, therefore, a church both subconsciously upholds the patriarchal tradition and excludes women still wounded from harmful relationships with men. In addition, attributing masculinity to God has led to the development of an almost romantic view of God. Some women talk about “dating” or “marrying” God, taking the metaphors of bridegroom and lover a bit too far. This emphasis can also isolate straight men, as they do not wish to be associated with such a movement and have no desires for a romantic relationship with another man.

The writings and translations within the Christian faith arise out of a patriarchal tradition, where quite possibly the “superiority” of males was reinforced through the use of continual masculine word choices. A look back to the original Hebrew and Greek shows that the masculine pronouns were used, but did not hold the same connotation of sexual identity that they hold today. In addition, several metaphors connect God with feminine images (Deuteronomy 32:18, Isaiah 46:3, Luke 13:34). Most importantly, though, is the reminder in several verses that God is not man; thus, God is not human and therefore cannot be defined or described solely on human terms (i.e. with a sex). The larger tradition within the universal church has not made many steps toward inclusive language, preferring to let the male pronouns remain yet understanding they do not determine the sex of God. As the Catholic Church states in its catechism, "God transcends the human distinction between the sexes. He is neither man nor woman: he is God." As the Baptist tradition is still rather new regarding the open inclusion of females in all aspects of ministry, the gender of God has not been a topic many have been willing to explore.

I personally was first introduced to the concept of using gender-inclusive language while working for PASSPORT. This organization is very intentional about using gender-inclusive language for God at all times, especially within worship services. Though I cannot say that I have felt oppressed by growing up surrounded by male descriptions of God, the concepts of “romantic love” for God have always made me a bit uneasy. Combined with a distant relationship with my own father and problems with trusting men, however, I can see how a gendered view of God has created issues within my personal faith relationship.

What, then, should be done regarding gender-neutral Bibles and hymnals? I, for one, think it is good to raise children up in a tradition where men and women are equally respected, and have a special sensitivity towards those who struggle with gender definitions of God due to their past experiences. However, I don’t want to completely break from the rich tradition, especially the music that has been passed down. How does one rewrite “Of the Father’s Love Begotten” using gender-neutral terms for God? And if we also start to remove other descriptors with gendered-connotations, do we not lose an aspect of what that term says about God’s relationship with us? Though I believe God is above gender, I also acknowledge the insufficiency of language and the human mind to fully express and grasp the fullness of God. Therefore, I feel the topic of gender-inclusive terminology for God is one that each individual and congregation needs to embrace on their own, not to break away from a tradition but rather to dive into a richer understanding of who God is.

Turkey and chainsaws?

2007-11-22T21:05:00.000-05:00

I am currently vegging out and recovering after the family Thanksgiving get-together...nope, not from overeating! My family does things a bit differently; instead of getting dressed up and sitting nicely around the table, we throw on our grubby clothes and go do home repair projects at a family member's house, working up an appetite for that big dinner. This year, we were at my cousin's house, where we cleared brush, split logs, and did some painting. It's a pretty cool tradition, actually, helping each other and doing hard work together; guess it's that Southern/agricultural background. The family has it's share of issues, but they're not afraid of manual labor and are always there to lend a helping hand, and I'm proud of that.

But what made today even better...I got to drive the four-wheeler around, transporting brush and logs and loving every minute of it. Yup, city girl's got a little bit of country in her, even if she has difficulty going in reverse with the trailer attached. I tried not to grin too much while I drove it around, but I loved it. It may be a gas-guzzling, environment destroying machine, but it's so much fun to drive! My mom took pictures, and I'm hoping they turn out good...I don't get to do that often!

I will definitely sleep soundly tonight...hopefully I won't be too sore tomorrow to take advantage of free day at the Y :o)

Happy Thanksgiving to all; hope your day was just as enjoyable!

children, children, children

2007-11-18T21:25:00.000-05:00

Today in children's church, one of our first graders raised her hand and said "My cat is in heat." This was right after a discussion of the Prodigal Son, and I still don't know how the two became connected in her mind. I tried not to laugh and failed miserably....

One of the struggles within my job right now is figuring out how to work with these kids. They're all sweet kids, but having K-5 all together in children's church is a struggle. The older ones are very perceptive and able to have some great conversations, but the kindergarteners are in a world of their own and can barely sit still. Some of the kids can barely listen to instructions, and are full of energy. There's nothing wrong with energy, but how do you get them to effectively channel that energy into whatever activity they're doing? Then there's the boy who loves to just leave the room, or the moody girl who will start pouting for various reasons and refuse to participate, or the ones that will blatantly disobey you.

One thing I hope to implement soon is narrowing the age group to K-2 or K-3. Older children should be able to be in the full service, reinforcing for both themselves and the congregation that they are an important part of the church and should participate as such.

As it stands now...we all leave halfway through the service. We typically start with a mini-service all together, where we sing a song or two, a few help read scripture, and a very SHORT discussion about the story. Then we split them up for activities, which has been a huge help. I usually take on the younger ones, trying to keep them active while reinforcing the idea of whatever the story is. This splitting has helped SO MUCH in being able to engage the kids where they are.

But, the new struggle has been extra manpower. Ideally, you want two people with each group. Currently, we have the children's minister, his wife, myself, and another girl who won't be as available after the first of the year. Yup, the same people every week. Which is good for building relationships with the kids and having them develop respect for you. But it's also frustrating at times, and can hold potential for burnout. We tried to recruit some help from the congregation to try and organize a rotation, and got no response. Since my home church has a huge children's ministry with a lot of lay help, this lack of help is kinda new for me, something I'm adjusting to and figuring out how to work with.

There's also a serious lack of quality material out there for these kids, resulting in us writing our own thing for every week. This program is not babysitting; we're trying to minister to and teach these kids! But so much of the curriculum out there just doesn't work well for us. We like to line things up with whatever the theme of the service is, to make a fluid transition and (hopefully) encourage them to pay more attention in "big church." But, this also limits how much help we can get, since we're making up our own curriculum week by week and can't just hand a book to people. We're slowly developing a good system for this, so we have more consistent expectations for the kids and they have a better sense of what it's about and what the boundaries are. Our children's ministry is gaining momentum, and I'm just hoping that we'll be able to keep up with it.

grades

2007-11-12T19:38:00.000-05:00

There's been something about some of the people in my classes that has seemed strange to me, and I think I finally realized what it is.

A strong attention to grades.

Not that it's wrong to want to do well or succeed. But I turned down admission to a certain school in Williamsburg because I didn't want all that pressure, and chose instead to attend a smaller liberal arts school with a good reputation without that pressure. My undergraduate education was challenging, and I learned a lot. Professors pushed me, especially in my English classes. But rarely, rarely did we students talk about grades. What we each got was our own thing; in the classroom, it was about mastering the material. And no one ever complained in class about an assignment or paid so much attention to what the professor exactly wanted. Yeah, people would sometimes grumble outside the room, but if you had an issue with the way a prof graded something, you took it to him/her individually, on your own time. And even then, it wasn't fighting to get a higher grade, but merely gaining a better understanding of why you received that grade and what you can do to improve the next time. Or, it was to address a genuine concern that you had, one that was well thought-out. A sign of respect for and trust in the professor.

I realize now that not all people are like that.

I guess I get frustrated sometimes when people keep asking, "so when you do this on the test, you'll say [insert phrase here]" or verbally complain to a professor in class about something or constantly refer to their syllabi to figure out what the percentages are for assignments. I'm all about being open in class and having a good relationship with a professor so you can go to them with concerns. But a sense of respect for the situation and the professor needs to go with that. And the attention to grades? I don't go for the A; I go for the mastery of the material. Yeah, that might sound the same, but in my mind it's a big difference. Then it's not about me pushing for a certain grade, but a desire to understand what I'm learning and figure out how to apply it, which may or may not result in an A based upon the professor's expectations. That doesn't mean I take my education any less seriously; in fact, I may even take it more seriously, as I realize it's about more than letters at the top of a page...

Maybe I'm just a geek who just enjoys learning, with or without grades.

hello CBF

2007-11-07T21:50:00.001-05:00

Tonight, the church where I am employed voted to affiliate officially with the CBF. Not sever ties with the SBC, just add CBF to the list of affiliates. It was nerve wracking to say the least. As a woman looking to go into the ministry (most likely with ordination as a part of that process), this was an important decision for me personally. From here on out, I cannot be a part of a church that will not support me in following wherever God may lead, which basically means within the Baptist tradition, it has to be CBF. If the church had voted this down...I would have been extremely uncomfortable remaining there.

Really, it was a loud minority that was against it. And there was a degree of unprofessionalism in their efforts to stop the change from passing. I stood outside the doorway, listening to all the comments and questions being made, partially because I did not trust my facial expressions to hide my true feelings, but also because I am not an official member and cannot vote. As they called for the vote, I stood there, whispering, "Dear Jesus, please let it pass" and gripping the edge of the door for support. It was close, but it passed.

I'm still coming off of the adrenaline rush. I should be elated at the fact that this passed, but the mixture of so many emotions following that meeting have drained me a bit. I tried really hard not to take it all personally, because I know it's not about me...but as a woman, it still is personal on some level. I've been fortunate to grow up in a household and family that respected and encouraged God's call in my own life (thanks to my ordained aunt), and I guess this was my first real encounter with steadfast opposition to women in ministry. Yes, I've met individuals who have disagreed with it before, but when it comes to a church vote, it's a much more powerful thing. But again, this was a loud minority. The majority of this church does support me and other women, and the constitution now shows that in black and white, with the addition of three words. And now that they have done this, it will be much harder to turn back.

An historic moment in the life of this church...may they continue to move forward.

coffee shop thoughts

2007-11-03T16:05:00.000-04:00

So here I sit, in my favorite college coffee shop which now has free wireless. Had this happened when I was still in undergrad...I would have gone broke. Haha!

It's been a good visit up here with people...reconnecting, catching up, etc. Some good conversations...but difficult ones as well.

Last night, I went to Friday night fellowship with a group that I really got close to while in undergrad. A true community that got me through so much. And it was there that I was able to be honest about the fact that I'm struggling. But they also had some tough love for me - warnings about what to do/not to do. Because seminary is hard on all levels, and several of them have been there and done that. And this life that I've been called to, whatever it might be, will be hard. And it's so important to have a community that can support me though this...but I just haven't found one in seminary yet. Honestly, I'm still kinda reeling from the advice that was given to me...

But I did have a moment of enlightenment. In South Africa, my life was completely integrated. Work, community, faith were all intertwined...that's what happens when you live on the church grounds! But that's also the way the culture is; it takes on a much more holistic perspective, like many other places abroad. And I think that's the way things were meant to be. Not in America. We compartmentalize and divide things, many times for our own protection. So one of the reasons I've been struggling so much is that I've been yearning for that integrated life, but haven't found it, because it doesn't exist here. It can't exist here. I can't wrap up my faith life in my church job, because I won't be there forever, or (God forbid) they might burn me. I can't rely on institutions to be my community, though I might be able to find community in the midst of them.

So where the hell do I find that community?

I hate feeling like I need to protect myself, to not allow myself to get too attached. I feel detached already, and I'm tired of feeling that way. Ministry is a difficult thing - your job and your personal faith are so intertwined, and it's so interpersonal, but you still have to maintain your distance. And the job doesn't stop when you go home.

And I'm going to spend the rest of my life like this?

hello sleep deprivation

2007-11-01T20:18:00.001-04:00

This week has been INSANE. Crazy busy with school work, work work (hello fall festival)...means little sleep and lots of stress! And it's typically during those weeks where God likes to turn my life upside down...

Example numero uno: J-term. (and my apologies - I feel like writing in short sentences and third person for some odd reason...I think it's the 4 hours of sleep I got last night)
Erin tries out for play. Erin gets email from professor with entire cast list, excluding her name. Erin thus assumes she is not in the play, and registers for another class and plans to go to the New Baptist Covenant in Atlanta, which would have conflicted with opening week of play. Professor stops Erin in the hallway today and says he accidentally left her off the list and he really wants her in the play. Erin is now confused and gives herself 24 hours to think and make a decision. Be in a musical (one of her dreams) or attend a potentially historic event in Baptist life? Oy.

Example numero dos: ...lets just say I'm having difficulty figuring out what I should do for the summer, and it might involve a certain camp that I love...

It's times like these when I really wish I had a burning bush, complete with God telling me exactly what to do. Alas, I must make a decision for myself. Accompanied by lots of prayer, conversations with others, journaling, and chocolate.

But seriously, when you're in a situation choosing between good and good, how do you know what to do? I see God in both choices, and am pretty sure I would be happy either way. But I don't trust my mind, my desires. Perhaps I need to trust more in the God who gave me this mind and these desires, trust that he/she will guide me and give me peace in whatever decision I make. Somewhere in my past, I became afraid of making the wrong decision and drastically veering off of "God's path" with one choice that I make, like I can never go back. The more experiences I have, though, the more I can see how that line of thinking is flawed. Yeah, bad choices do happen sometimes, but the important part is to keep trying, to keep seeking, to find God in whatever path you choose. Too bad I can't always convince myself of that...

Anyone got any chocolate?

2007-10-28T22:28:00.000-04:00

the thing about feeling a call...i can never fully know if it is God or the jumbled mess in my head. i don't trust myself right now to know if it is true, if i should do this or put the idea to the side as a crazy thought. but i'm suddenly in a time crunch to figure it out real quick...

that wonderful buzzword

2007-10-26T14:30:00.000-04:00

Community.

Definite buzzword in the church right now. I'm all about it; I've experienced true community on several levels, and I am convinced it is an important part of the Christian life. It's through community that I have encountered the face of Christ.

At the school I currently attend, the "faces" of the school like to talk about the community among the student body, and how it's so great and welcoming.

About that...not seeing it.

Don't get me wrong; I've met some really nice people, and see the potential for some friendships. But not much has moved past the superficial level. When we're all together, we mix and mingle and talk to some degree. But outside that...what community is there?

In many ways, I don't feel like a part of this school.

Yes, I realize that as a first-year I haven't been here long enough to build strong relationships with a lot of people. It takes a while to build those relationships. But I'm even getting the same vibe from second- and third-years. Clearly if they've been here a while, they would feel more like a part of the community, right?

This train of thought comes from a conversation at our "community meeting" this morning. Someone mentioned the lack of student attendance at chapels, and how, among other things, it isn't showing prospective students and visitors the community that is here.

I offer this, instead: what if it really is showing the true state of the community here? What if the low attendance is not the problem itself, but the symptom of a larger problem?

You can talk about community all you want. You can claim it is there. But that may not be a true claim. I've been involved in groups like that, too, and it just felt so fake. And that, I think, is the real problem here. I get the sense that a few years ago there was a strong community at this school. But, perhaps certain personalities kept it going, and now that those people have graduated...people aren't sure what to do. Group dynamics are always changing at schools with the constant coming and going of new crops of students. In order to maintain a community, that community must be willing to shift and change with the changing dynamics. And I feel like people here haven't done that. You can't just keep saying, "We're a community" and *poof* one magically appears.

So maybe what needs to happen is an honest assessment of the current community life here. Admit that our talk is bigger than our walk. Then work to build one up again. I don't have some magic formula or recipe for making a community. You can't force it; it grows out of many different situations. But I do know one key to it is commitment: to each other, to the group, to the larger cause. Perhaps that's what is missing here...

(Note: I'm not trying to put down my school. I'm just trying to be honest about the way things are and my experience here thus far...)

quote time

2007-10-23T13:21:00.000-04:00

Thought I would share a few quotes from my classes today...and there's really no connection between the two:

"You do not break the Ten Commandments. They break you." ~my Hebrew prof.
...I don't have time to type out the context of that one, but wow. It is a profound statement, and the explanation really makes you think about your approach to "biblical law." It's kinda the perspective I've been developing on my own, and it's nice to have some academic background to defend my changing views...

"My back-up costume for Halloween every year is Jael. I can't think of anyone scarier than that." ~Foundations prof.
...just thought that was funny! Judges 4 for the full story...

On another unrelated note, watch what you ask God for. Recognize the need to have patience with a certain person? Next thing you know, they're plopped down in your life in some way where you have to interact with them regularly. Funny, God, real funny...

quick entry before bed

2007-10-20T00:09:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I had a long hang out/catch up session with my college roommate. We lived together for three years, and you don't realize how much someone has become a part of your life until they're not around all the time. We would do crazy things together, or complain about drama in our lives, or just process things out loud to the other person. In those three years, we showed our good and bad sides...and made it out without killing each other and still remaining friends. And from that, there's an openness in that relationship where we can still sit and talk about anything...from deep and heavy stuff to random silly jokes that only we find funny. No judging, just an acceptance of who the other person is and enjoying the time together.

I admit, I haven't really felt like myself this past week. But tonight a part of me came back...maybe because I finally felt like I didn't have to pretend. I just...was me.

grown-up?

2007-10-18T22:21:00.000-04:00

I stopped by my parents' house this evening to pick up some mail that I'd gotten: a much-belated graduation card from my crazy aunt. In it was a $20 gift card to Walmart. I almost jumped out of my chair, I was so excited. Funny how your perspective changes when you're paying bills and living paycheck to paycheck...

"she's gonna marry that boy someday..."

2007-10-14T19:53:00.000-04:00

No, the title is not in reference to me, haha. Yesterday, my friend got married. I am so excited for the two of them; they make a great couple. But it's a little surreal...I remember when she was a senior, leading all of us brand-new freshmen, and the pride that she had in her "single independent woman" status. And now, she's married. Crazy what happens in four years' time.

It was a breath of fresh air to see so many familiar faces. I didn't realize how much I missed them, especially "the girls" (can't really classify us as seniors now, haha). Friendships are an interesting thing. Within that group, my core college group, it's a mix of many different personalities, backgrounds, and interests. But somehow, we all bonded together. We went through a lot of stuff together. People were hurt at times (and I know I did some of the hurting), but there was room for forgiveness and acceptance for change...in personalities, in emotions, in relationships. We all have varying degrees of closeness to each other, but that's to be expected in any group. It seems like within our group, there was a commitment to each other, that overrode any differences or disagreements or disappointments. I finally figured out how to break down my walls and let them in.

And it's been tough for us all to be separate, I think (or at least in my situation). Not a 5-10 minute walk away (or a shout across the room, in some cases)...more like a 4 hour (or 7 hour, or 2 day) drive. "Regular" conversations are no longer daily, but maybe weekly, or bi-weekly, or just random Facebook messages. We're all at new stages in our lives...marriages, jobs, grad schools...and all figuring out what is next and where in the world we're headed. But even though we've had changes and are away from each other...I still feel that connection to them. I feel a security in those relationships, that I don't have to talk to them every single day in order to remain close to them. (Not that I wouldn't mind talking to them every day, but the reality of our situations doesn't allow for that!) And that's a good feeling, to know that if I'm really struggling, I can still pick up a phone and call one of them and be honest with them. Yeah, our relationships are going to shift as we settle into these new lives. But I think if we are willing to move with the changes and accept them for what they are, it won't be devastating. Nor will it mean the relationships are any less important. They'll just be...different.

It takes time to build those relationships. I know. It will take time here to build similar ones. So I'm back at square one, trying to put aside my unrealistic expectations and slowly break down the walls that I've already built up around me...

A good weekend

2007-10-07T14:23:00.000-04:00

Mini-road trip on Friday...so good to swap experiences, walk down familiar streets, hear the laughter, share in those lives again. I was deliberate about seeking out people to meet up with...I wasn't ready for a complete reunion with everyone. Some wounds still healing over...

Then a last-minute invitation to a great party. Old and new friends together, and I felt a little more at home in this place that is still so foreign in so many ways.

***************************************

This morning, a little girl gave me a card. Her family hadn't been to church in a couple years, and started coming back last week. It was homemade, and said "Thank you for the morning songs" with a picture of a piano (I play the piano for an opening music time we have with all the kids). Second week there, and she thought enough of me to make me a card. I almost cried. Then the kids in children's church made pictures of their favorite things about church, and another relatively new girl drew me as part of hers, along with music and something else. I was filling in on piano today, so I wasn't even down there with them. But she still thought of me.

It really impacted me. I don't know these girls very well (when you're trying to just contain the chaos, it's hard to build relationships!), but they know me. And I'm having some impact on their lives and their church experiences. Sweet gestures that remind me of how important my presence and participation is when I'm at work...ministering to them.

It's becoming less of a job and more of a ministry...

a time to be silent...

2007-10-04T19:58:00.000-04:00

seriously. people need to think before they open their mouths. especially in the classroom. i mean, if you have a well-thought-out belief and can articulate it, fine. but don't parrot what you've heard from someone else. and don't claim a viewpoint and act like you know what you're talking about when really you don't.

and i need to find more grace for these people...because Jesus loves them, too.

quick thought

2007-10-04T06:51:00.000-04:00

i need to forgive people and places for not meeting my expectations, especially when the expectations i set are very high.

books!

2007-09-29T21:42:00.000-04:00

I realized this week that I miss reading. As a seminary student, I have my fair share of reading, don't get me wrong. And like a true dork, I enjoy theological reading (though not all of my textbooks this semester engage me...)

However, I have realized that as an English major, I was spoiled by my continual immersion into literature. Yes, it was work to read and analyze and write about all those books. But man, I read some good stuff. And I've been missing it, to the point where when I'm really bored I resort to reading fan fic online for various things (which is an interesting cultural study, but not exactly what you would call great writing). So I dug out the old library card, put a few books on hold, and early next week will be able to work through some fictional books again. Inspired by a good friend, I have compiled a list of books and authors that I want to pursue, though my rate of reading will vary depending on my work load.

I am a true English nerd. ;o)

In other news...I have a confession to make.

I watched Grey's Anatomy with a bunch of girls on Thursday. And maybe kinda sorta liked the show. Yeah, that's not like me, is it?! Watching something popular, especially something that girly and soap opera-ish. But I definitely liked the social aspect and the opportunity to get to know them more (apparently they get together every week). So, yay for that! Stay tuned for whether I become addicted to the show...

hope

2007-09-24T22:17:00.000-04:00

The joy of my day yesterday came in the form of a six-year-old named Dylan. We had quite the conversation before our opening SS time. Then, when I walked into his class to help out, he shouted, "Energetic Erin!" (remnant from the name game a few weeks ago at children's church) He was completely wired! About 15 minutes later, he proceeded to lose a (very loose) tooth after purposely hitting himself in the face, all with dramatic flair. The teacher and I couldn't help but laugh at his shenanigans.

It's the naughty ones that always steal my heart :o)

I've noticed that the children's minister that I'm helping has made some changes in his approaches in working with the kids and working with me. I've made a few comments about the lack of respect the kids have been showing, and he's taken a firmer stance with them if they get out of hand. He's also been making lists of things for me to do/know, which (a) keeps him a little more organized, (b) helps my task-oriented personality, and (c) helps me to see his train of thought and what his plans are in the long run. I should thank him, because it helps me a lot.

the journey

2007-09-21T17:55:00.001-04:00

A wise man once told me, "In ministry, there is no settling." Settling as in settling down, staying in one place.

And at this moment, that thought terrifies me. Thinking about my call to ministry, where I might be called next. God called Abraham to just pack up and leave, and he followed. The Israelites kept walking towards that promised land, for 40 years! I can understand why they wanted to turn back...it's safer, more comfortable, being in a place you know with people you know.

It's difficult...a lot of what I see as important in ministry and in my faith journey is relational. Relationships with others, being the body of Christ, building up a community. But if I'm always having to say goodbye, why invest myself in the first place?

I know, I know...relationships are beneficial and meaningful, no matter how long they last. And I shouldn't let the potential of leaving take away from developing them in the here and now. It's just...when you leave a piece of your heart in each place...at some point don't you run out of pieces to give out?

Intellectually, I understand it all. And I can see how God uses every step of the journey. But sometimes...I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

Whoever says ministry is easy is lying.

(Granted, this post is very mood-oriented...next week I may be thrilled about the adventure of so many different things...)

thoughts on church ministry

2007-09-20T10:38:00.000-04:00

I'm realizing a few things about church ministry. First, since I'm working with the kids, I don't get to go to a Sunday School class, hear a sermon, or go to a Bible study. Theoretically, I'm in seminary classes and therefore talking about faith-type things all the time...but it's more of an academic look. Not to put down the academic side...it can be very beneficial for my personal understanding and growth in my faith. But...I still need that community learning aspect outside the classroom.

I'm making a point to attend chapel at least once a week, solely so I can sit in a service and listen and not worry about doing something or being somewhere or making sure something goes correctly. I really need to be conscious of keeping the aspect of spiritual development a part of my life, both individually and in some form of community. But where, and when, and how?

It's the continual question...who ministers to the minister? I haven't figured that out yet...

friends...

2007-09-14T22:29:00.000-04:00

You know, I kinda forgot about freshman year...at least all those feelings at the beginning of it. The uncertainty, the loneliness, the desire to connect with people. It took a good six weeks to really feel settled there with people.

But now it's freshman year, part two. New school with new people. And everyone boasts about the "community" that's here. And it is here. But I forgot that it takes time to build, especially with me. We're all at different points in our lives, with different lives, so it makes it harder to build those relationships.

I'm so impatient!

2007-09-12T22:35:00.000-04:00

I found out today that my second cousin died. He was 32. Dropped dead, and they don't know why. Hopefully the autopsy will give them some clues.

I didn't know him that well, but he's family. So there was a connection there on some level. And he left behind a wife and stepson. I want to feel sad...and I do a little...but I've processed so much over the past few weeks that I can barely process anymore.

It's one of those things that reminds you how fragile life really is. How quickly it can all end. And that scares me sometimes, to think that I'm not invincible. I mean, I know I'm not, but I like to think that I've got at least 60 years ahead of me. It's probably selfish of me, but it's true. There are so many things I want to do, to experience...

RIP Brent.

faith like a child?

2007-09-08T20:09:00.000-04:00

I am constantly in awe of small children. Their ability to pick up language, their perception of the world around them. How quickly they learn! They seem to constantly be in a state of wonder, of discovery, of invention. Learning to walk, to touch, to identify the things around them. How does their brain process it all? What are they thinking? I can only wonder...

When do we lose that perspective? When does the world suddenly become old, boring? When we're told to have faith like a child, does it include this spirit? I think so...I hope so. Encountering each day, each moment, each experience with God, as one of discovery, with a childlike sense of reverence at something so much bigger than we can ever fully comprehend.

Sometimes, when encountering the menial day-to-day tasks and fighting over the complex theologies, I forget this. I forget the wonder that belongs in a relationship with God, that should be a part of my life. The joy of experiencing God's blessings, of being able to serve others as a part of that commitment...why do I lose that?

2007-09-06T21:53:00.000-04:00

It's interesting, how quickly life has changed over the past month. And now I'm in this world that finally feels somewhat normal. Yet I look at pictures or read stories online and find my mind drifting back over the ocean, back to a place and a people that still have a part of me.

In my creative writing class last year, we talked some about the idea of presence. What does it mean to be fully present? How can I fully be engaged here, when part of me is elsewhere? How can I integrate the two worlds, my two lives? I don't want South Africa to fade into a piece of nostalgia or a good story. It's so much more than that; it's an experience that has pressed upon my heart, affected me greatly. But has it changed me? Yes...no...it's so hard to tell...

Fade to gray

2007-09-04T17:44:00.000-04:00

I notice in black-and-white photographs,
old ones of past weddings and family
or new ones taken with an artistic eye,
that it is the shades of gray which bring
the shape of the mother's hand,
the shadow of the dancing child,
the glimmer of light in the lover's eye
to what would otherwise be a flat print,
capturing the beloved
at that moment,
carrying him beyond the frame.

first Sunday reflections...

2007-08-26T14:49:00.000-04:00

I walked into children's church today for the first time, never having met the kids before. Nathan introduced me, and one girl said, "You were a counselor at camp, and you've stayed at my house." (Both statements were true; last year I led a BS group for a youth retreat weekend, and we were at her house). Another said, "Yeah, didn't you have long hair at camp?"

Ummm, that was a year ago. And they remembered me?!?! I forget how much children absorb and remember, and how much more responsibility that gives me, as someone who will be working with them. And I had a flashback to this summer, where I would see Elami and some of the girls scold the others using the exact same words, tone, and hand motions that I did. Even at age 3!! It is a sobering realization, with a heavy implication.

The new church is sweet. The people are sweet. But it's hard to know exactly what my spot is. I won't have a consistent job on Sunday mornings, just filling in wherever I'm needed. Which is cool and all. But it's a new place with new people and new kids, and I haven't fully claimed it as my own yet, so I have a hard time just jumping in and doing stuff. It's an odd feeling. I did a lot of observing, trying to get a grasp of what this place is about, and what my place is in it.

In many ways, it's South Africa all over again. Fortunately there's no language barrier, but I've just kinda been thrown in to this thing not fully knowing what's going on or what I'm doing, though others seem to assume that I know. And I know that I'll adapt and figure the place out (it took less than 2 months to feel at home in SA), but it will just take time. And with all the other changes going on in my life right now, it's just a lot. When classes start, it will be better because I will have a set schedule. I like schedules and the consistency they bring. I need that type of structure, because then I can better determine how I can best spend my time.

the current is strong...

2007-08-24T23:03:00.000-04:00

Right now I feel like my life is flying at 200 mph, and it's all I can do to keep up with it.

New job. New church. New apartment. New school. New hair. New body. New clothes. New memories. New marriages. New life.

Holy crap. How did I get to this point? I barely have time to breathe and process now.

Did South Africa really happen? Was it just a dream? But I look back at those pictures, at those faces, and I fall in love again...

Is this normal for the real world? Or is this just my crazy life?

God, I need You to help me through this. I need You to hold me. I need You to keep me afloat. I need You to be my vision.

liminality...

2007-08-11T09:18:00.000-04:00

Re-entry after an experience in a foreign country is interesting.

There's about a week of the "honeymoon," where you're excited to see everyone and they're excited to see you. You catch up with people and swap stories.

Then the excitement wears off. And you still feel different. Because while you were out there having your adventures, they were doing their own things. Relationships have changed; common bonds have been formed by common experiences. But you haven't had that common experience, so you feel a gap. Plus, you've been changed by your own time away, and it can be hard trying to get back into "normal life," because for you, there really is no such thing as normal again. And let's not forget reverse culture shock.

Plus there are so many changes going on in my life right now, it's hard to absorb it all. It's an odd place to be in right now...very much in a liminal state.

she works hard for the money...

2007-08-06T17:36:00.001-04:00

I have a job. It's a wonderful and scary feeling all at once. So many questions...Will it be enough money? Will the commute eat up my salary? Will I be able to do a good job? Will I be able to learn everyone's names? Will I add to the ministry? Will we all be able to work together? Will I get burned out? Will I be able to connect with people?

I need to trust God with all of this. He's called me to this position; I need to follow and trust in His plan and His power.

2007-08-05T22:07:00.000-04:00

I feel the need to start up another blog, a different blog. I needed something new, something beyond LiveJournal. So, here I am.

Tonight I had two very opposite experiences. First, I was attacked by a child with special needs. It wasn't just to be mean; he needed to express something but couldn't find the language to do it with. So, he scratched me. Hard. And it really hurt. And it gave me a flashback to my first couple of days in South Africa, when the kids were hitting and biting and pinching me. What made this situation worse was the fact that I grabbed his wrist to stop him, not knowing that it was bruised and swollen. He dissolved into tears, and I felt awful, even though it wasn't my fault and did not intentionally hurt him. I was in shock, and it almost made me cry. Part of that is this emotional instability I have right now from reverse culture shock, but it's hurtful when you're doing your best to love and serve a child and they react with violence.

Then going out to the car tonight, I took off my flip flops so I wouldn't slip in the rain. And there was something comforting in the warm water on the pavement beneath my feet. Part of me wanted to take down my umbrella and just let the drops fall all over me, wash me away. I watched the mist rise up as the cool drops hit the warm pavement, and I was filled with a sense of wonder and awe. An awareness of God in some way that I can't fully express.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast."
(Ps. 139:9-10)

This has become my personal promise, my life verse, my security.